Thursday, August 19, 2010
First off, I am a private person. I was intending on NOT telling anyone besides family about my breast cancer. I have come to the conclusion...who cares. If I can help someone out there going through the same issues as me, that is fantastic! So, posting my link to this blog and telling the whole FaceBook world I had breast cancer was a pretty big step for me...
Last night was one of the hardest nights I had since I found out I have breast cancer. I have held myself together pretty dang well for the past 6 days. I have only cried once or twice and never asked God why. I am not a big crier unless I am super passionate about something or I am really upset. And I do not like to cry infront of people. Not family or friends. I really thought, hey, I got this. But Shoot…Last night from 1am-3am I laid on the bathroom floor and had a pity party with myself, the scale, and the toilet. All while Ryan , Mom, Zucca, and Aston slept. I also did not tell anyone until right now that I cried :) so, on that note. I did not sleep and had to get up bright and early for my Mammogram which I could not stop thinking about. My boobs were about to be squished to death and heck no I was not excited!
I was in some pretty bad pain last night and could not take my pain medication because I thought I had a PET scan. (Found out today that it is not until next Thursday) You can not drink after 12am and at 12:07 am I said “Ryan! I forgot to take my pain medication can I take it?” Ryan so loving and being a non rule breaker said” NO MAEGAN absolutely not”. So that is what led to the pity party in the bathroom… pppaaaiiinnn… And thinking about the mammogram.
Okay I would like to take this time to say thank you to the inventor of the mammogram machine. Whoever you are out there, you suck! Holy freaking moley that machine causes some serious pain! That is all I am going to say about that.
I had a sonogram too this morning and they found something in my left breast now. Not sure what it is, but I will find out soon because I am sure Dr. C will take a biopsy on that breast. The way I see it is, if it is cancer, so be it…. The chemo is going to kick its butt.
I have officially decided that I am going to shave my head during the first to two weeks of chemo. I am also going to video tape in and put it on here for you guys to see. Because I think it is something people should see. This is real. This is as real as it gets and this can happen to anyone. I want to help women in this situation in the future to know that they are not alone. I want women to watch this video and say “Wow, if she can do this, I can do this”. I do love my hair, but I would rather prepare myself mentally with shaving my head rather than sitting in bed watching Teen Mom and my hair falling out in my hands. That would not be cool.
So, today Mom, Deb, and I went to look for wigs! And boy did we find some! The first wig I put on… I started crying. I tired my hardest to hold it back but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just looked at me in the mirror and said in my mind. F-U Cancer. You are taking my hair from me. What else do you want to take? Your going to be taking my boobs, my hair, possibly my eyebrows… what else do you want to take from me to make me feel less of a woman? I am going to look like my brother. But skinny and pale. Which is fine because he is handsome. This just makes me realize I thought I was one tuff cookie with handling all this but geeze, it’s pretty dang hard.
So I am posting my wigs pics… I like the short styles because my hair has always been so thick I was never able to have short hair flair. But now.. get prepared because I am going to have some pretty sweet dos! I am also getting some Tory Burch scarves and making head turbans!! I am so happy and can not wait to wear a TB Turban!!
I find out tomorrow a lot of news. I already know it is a grade 2 and that it is triple negative but I find out if it has spread to my lyphnodes and stage of Cancer. I am praying to the good lord that it has not gotten to my lymph nodes and spread. But if it has, I know that God did not put me on this earth to face a battle alone. Until tomorrow much love and… fight like a girl!
Posted by Ryan and Maegan at 1:50 PM