Tuesday, January 25, 2011

In Love with Life.

The day before surgery I went to pre-op and the nurse told me I would be getting my own hospital room and I could order food from the hospital "menu" all day everyday 24 hours a day through out my stay. So, I was really excited! The pre-op nurse made me feel like I would be staying in a 5 star hotel so I was ecstatic and could not wait to get my surgery! I felt like I was going on vacation!
My surgery was last Friday 1/21 at Baylor Plano. I arrived at Baylor at 6:00am with Ryan, my Mom, and Katy. The morning of surgery I was not sad at all but a tiny bit anxious. I kept thinking about the horror stories that other women have told me they went through when undergoing a mastectomy. The horrendous pain, the mutilation they felt their bodies were undergoing, and the battle they had in their minds with God pleading "why me". So, while I was laying in my tiny hospital bed under 5 blankets waiting to go back to surgery I was trying not to stress myself out or cry because I was about to undergo a crazy surgery. I said goodbye to Mom and Katy as they left the room while Ryan clinged on to my hand as the anesthesiologist came in to get the party started.I ordered me my 4 shots of vodka and began to feel like a million bucks. For some reason all the things I have heard from other women that the surgery of loosing both breast would be hard left my mind. I felt stress free, I was actually happy, and at peace. I said a prayer to myself and was at ease. I was happy because I was about to be saying goodbye, F-You, and so long to cancer! I knew there were angels all around me and God was smiling down on me. Before I was rolled away with the anesthesia kicking in, Ryan gave me a kiss and said he loved me... and then I woke up.
I was awake in recovery and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "I AM CANCER FREE"!!!! There was only one other person in the recovery room with me and when I yelled out "I AM CANCER FREE" he yelled back "PRAISE THE LORD YOU ARE CANCER FREE". So he and I both were happy campers :)
So, I stayed my 2 nights in the 5 star hospital room and ate non stop. I ate just about everything on the menu and some. I was in heaven. I do not remember much about the hospital stay because I pressed the morphine button about 400 times in one day but I do remember eating awesome food and if you ever have to get surgery, Baylor Plano is the BEST!!!
I also had and still have some fantastic pain medication and was and am still just happy as can be. I had my mom, Ryan, Deb and Katy in the hospital room to crack jokes and make me smile. I also had the best smelling hospital room because I received beautiful flowers from loved ones. The nurses I had were wonderful and kept me smiling the whole time. There was one nurse that told me "When you wake up call me and I will come give you your pain meds". Well, I did not wake up until it was too late and I woke up screaming in pain because I forgot to call her. But, she hurried and gave me meds FAST! She also sat on my little bed with me hugging me as I cried. So, I forgave her quickly because she treated me as if I were her own child in pain.
I was able to bring one nurse home with me. Nurse Ryan. Just kidding! Now, Ryan absolutely loves loves loves the car business but if he had to choose a second career he should be a nurse. He has been incredible, organized, and so wonderful to me during this whole cancer process. He has been by my side helping me with every single thing from the surgery. He has not complained once and is so amazing. He jumps out of bed at 3 am to give me my meds. He walks me slow through the house so I can stretch my legs, He wakes up in hte middle of the night just to say 'Maegan, do you need anything, are you okay" even though I am sound asleep, He makes sure I am 100% comfortable before he leaves to work, and ...I'm not going to go into details but just know, I have the perfect person to spend my life with:)

I am so thankful and blessed that this surgery was not hard for me. Of course I freaked myself out the weeks leading up to surgery, but shoot! I am so happy right now and have nothing to be scared of. I think I owe much of my happiness to the pain medication and of course the good lord above.
I have a great support system who is currently waiting on me every second of the day so that also makes it way easier for me as well. I get to lounge around my house in pj's all day and cut out wedding dresses and all things weddings from magazines to start my wedding planning. Deb has brought me by tons of wedding mags to keep me busy :) If I need some ice water I just yell "MOM" or if I need a new DVD put in I say "MaMa" and she comes smiling walking up. So I am grateful she is here to help. She also cleans and cooks! Woohoo! She is also having a blast on my ipad and mom if you try to sneak it home to FL when you leave, your in big trouble!
I have two really ugly drains sticking out the sides of my chest so I have to be careful with them and I cant lift anything. I have to treat myself like I am a fragile piece of fine china. I do not feel like I am mutilated or robbed of my breasts at all. I feel happy that there is no tumor in my breast and I am on the road to being healthy! I, Maegan Murr, am 25 years old and just kicked cancers ass! This has made me a stronger women, made me look at life differently, and always counting my blessings everyday. I am madly in love with life and ready to give my whole world to the one man (ryan) that has stood by me through one of the toughest times. I thank heavinly father for helping me be strong through cancer, along with this recovery process, and blessing me with Ryan.
I have an appointment with my Breast Surgeon Dr. Canavan on Thursday to see if there were any cancer cells in my breast tissue that was removed. Then that tells me if I have to get radiation. Sooo, keep me in your prayers that no radiation is needed :)
I am off to look at all my wedding mags and begin my wedding planning :)
Fight like a Girl!-

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Ooh Life.

Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?

These past few weeks have been the hardest weeks I have had since battling cancer. I have not updated my blog because I don’t know how to put what is in my mind on paper right now.

Friday night I got a call from my little sister. When I picked up the phone she was crying. I knew something was wrong because my sister never cries. “Ronnie passed away”. My sister’s dad who has been a big part of our life passed away. I, who am the most emotional person right now, was trying not to cry as she was telling me how he passed away and how upset she was. Ronnie was 50 years old and passed all alone in a hotel room of a massive heart attack. He worked on the road all around the TX area so he spends a good amount of time in hotels because of his job. His wife Lynn had called my sister right before she called me to let her know he died.
Lauren flew to TX right away since his viewing was today and the funeral is tomorrow. Today we drove to Gatesville to attend Ronnies viewing. I prayed the whole 2 hours there to please not let me cry a lot and please let me be strong for my sister. Yeah, that did not happen. When we got out of the car I asked Ryan, “Did you cry at your grandfathers funeral?” .
“Yes I did, everyone cried”, replied Ryan. I then asked, “Did your mom cry?” I felt like if his mom cried then it was okay for me to cry. I don’t know why, I just felt that way for some reason.
As we walked in the funeral home there were pictures of Ronnie everywhere. From when he was a baby to now, with his wife Lynn and all of the family. I had to take a deep breath because I knew this was going to be hard. I had to look away as Lauren was giving Lynn a hug because I knew that it was so hard for the both of them.
I began to cry right away as I gave Lynn a hug. I was squeezing her because I was sad and I felt for her so badly. I was crying because I could not imagine the pain she is going through loosing the man she loves. Going to sleep alone at night and waking up to say good morning to Ronnie and him not being there. She is never going to see the man she loves ever again until she gets to heaven. She will not be able to pick up the phone to say I love you to him or have him hold her when she is ill or sad. It just makes me so sad.
As we said hello to everyone we walked in to where Ronnies casket was. There were beautiful flowers everywhere and still, tons of pictures of him and his life. He was such a handsome man and to know we will never see him again is so hard to believe. To me, the pictures in the picture frames and the slide show of his life were so hard to see. It is hard to loose someone you love and even harder to see pictures when you are so sad. I have only been to one other funeral in my life and it was Ronnie’s dad’s funeral when I was little. So, it was a pretty hard event to attend. In my family, I am the emotional one and my brother and sister are not. My sister only cries every now and then. So to see her cry is really hard for me. I am only used to me crying.
I stood there with Ryan beside the pews crying as my sister held a flower arrangment just staring at the casket Ronnie was in. My sister (Lauren) is a tough cookie and held her self well. I knew she wanted to cry but she was trying not too.
As I looked around I saw so many people that loved him so much. I had never met his wife Lynn and the rest of the family he left behind. I saw them upset and crying and to me, that is so hard to witness. Seeing others hurting so badly hurts me. When my best friend Katy was in labor and having contractions, I cried because I hated she was in pain. So when I saw his wife Lynn crying it hurt me because I could not imagine how she feels. I just wish life could be happy for her and Ronnie was still here.
It was a closed casket ceremony and there was an American Flag draped beautifully over his casket. I just kept thinking to myself how we would never see him again and hear his voice. Even though we would never see him or hear his voice, I could not get his face or voice out of my head. I was in a daze and I kept imagining when we were little and he would come visit us in Panama City. How we would cry when he left from FL to TX. How we never wanted him to leave. And now, How he only lived 3 hours away and why we did not visit with each other often. So many thoughts and questions were flooding my brain.
I finally stopped crying and as time went by and thinking about our childhood with Ronnie, my sister finally got the courage to walk up to his casket to say goodbye. She walked up to the casket alone and laid the flower arranmgent on the top of it, put her hands on the casket, and said goodbye. I began to cry as I saw my little sister saying goodbye to her dad. I wasn’t seeing her as a 22 year old. I saw her as a little girl saying goodbye. All I could see was the back of her as she stood there saying her goodbyes. I could hear her crying and see her hands shaking as she said goodbye. I just wanted to run up there and help her through this but I knew she needed her space with her dad for the last time in her life. I looked up above her and there was a picture of Nikos, Laurens son and my nephew, on the big screen slide show. I knew it was hard for Lauren because she wanted so badly for Ronnie to meet Nikos. She was saving her money to come to TX to introduce her son to his grandpa. That was hard for me because I see my little sister upset and I just want to make it better for her. I don’t want her to be sad but there is nothing I can do. I just kept thinking that this was a mistake and Ronnie really had not passed away. I have no idea how to handle loosing someone I love. I do not know how to let someone go. Our family has never lost someone before. It is just weird and does not feel normal. Ahh, life is hard. But, God has a reason why he brought Ronnie home. Rest In peace Ronnie, you are forever loved and missed.

Since I have not updated my blog since I got all my tests done here it is…
My MRI came back great and my cancer is .07 cm! Meaning, the size of a pen dot!
My surgery on the 4 lymphndoes went well and no lymphnodes had cancer cells in them!!
Now, I just have my mastectomy scheduled for this coming up Friday, 1/21. My mom and best friend Katy are flying in to be with me during the surgery. Katy is actually missing her daughters 5th birthday to be here. I love you Katy :)
The past 2 weeks I have been really sad about the surgery and sick with a cold. My blood counts have been down because I have been so upset about my surgery. I literally made myself sick because I would not eat or drink due to my scared to death-ness of the surgery. I am better now because I have come to terms with the surgery but I still think about how odd it is going to be to wake up and look down and not feel like myself. But, this is all part of being cancer free. And, I think about the future and how in order to have the life I want I have to get the surgery. I also think about how when I wake up from the surgery I will hopefully be cancer free! I still may have to get radiation though but I will not find out until after the surgery. This is definitely the hardest part of the cancer process so far. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since I was not able to go to work. I had to stay inside away from people since I was sick. I read a lot of scriptures over the past weeks and they helped me through this hard time. The bible gave me the courage and strength to not be sad anymore over this surgery. I am just not scared anymore. I am actually excited but a little nervous to get it over with and move on!
So, that is what has been going on here in TX. As you find yourself reading this, make sure you hug the ones you love tonight and tell them you love them.
Fight like a girl…

Monday, January 3, 2011

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile :)

Happy New Year

(Ryan and I on New Years Eve having a blast! 2011 is going to be great!)

Just a little update...

Since my last chemotherapy treatment I have been feeling AMAZING! Since Christmas Day I have been getting my energy back day by day, my some what normal happy self is back, and I am just feeling on top of the world! My hair is growing back and I started working out again and trying to get back into the groove of my normal life. Even though when my mastectomy comes I am going to have to be back to laying in bed for about 2 weeks. I won’t be able to fully function for about a month but for the meantime I am bustin’ out the moves on Xbox Kinnect “Zumba” and running my butt off at the gym! I am so happy and excited to be able to feel physically fit and happy! Thank You Heavenly Father!

This week is a very busy week for me. Tomorrow 1/4/11 I have an MRI to see if the tumor has shrunk to a small tumor or if it has completely disappeared! *Fingers crossed that it has completely disappeared* Then, on Wednesday 1/5/11 I have surgery on my lymphnodes where Dr. Canavan is going to remove many lymphnodes to see if they have cancer cells in them. I am really scared and nervous about surgery. It is freaking me out. *I have been praying extra hard that there is NO cancer is my lymphnodes!!* If there are cancer cells iin the nodes I will have to do radiation. Radiation is needed if the tumor was 4 cm or bigger and if or more than 4 lymphnodes have cancer cells. My tumor began at 3.8 cm and let’s just pray no lymphnodes are involved and the tumor has completely disappeared!
If there are cancer cells in all 4 lymphnodes and my tumor is still hanging out then that will definitely be upsetting. But the way I see it is… Oh well! Just one extra long step to kick this cancers butt.
Then Thursday 1/6/11 I have an appt with Dr. Canavan to go over all the results of the MRI and surgery! I have not got an appt with Dr.Canavan for the double mastectomy yet but hopefully it will be at the end of January or beginning of February. I did have dates for all this surgery stuff but Dr. Canavan had to change it all up. Once I am healed from the mastectomy and my spacers begin to be filled I am going to start wedding planning! Hope everyone is having a great start to the New Year! I sure am!! And I have a great feeling that 2011 is going to be wonderful!
Fight like a girl..