Tuesday, August 31, 2010

1 Chemo Treatment Down… 7 more to go.

First off. I really want a snuggie. Not just any snuggie, a NAP snuggie!! They are just so convenient. 2ndly, Ryan makes the best chicken noodle soup and so far is a great Nurse. Nurse Ryan is his new name.

Chemo sucks. Not the actual sitting in the room getting the chemo treatment but the gosh dang side effects!! I am on two strong treatments for 4 treatments known as “AC”. Then I have 4 more treatments on a different drug. The side effects of these two treatments are as listed: Be warned, they are not pretty. Luckily I am suffering at this moment from only two!

1. Nausea. Not just your average nausea, extreme freakin’ nausea. Nausea that comes with hot flashes and throwing up in your mouth but you have to swallow it because if you start barfing there is no end to the barfing. Sorry, it is gross but it is the truth! Nausea= hell. So far my nausea meds are working but last night I did not take any so this morning I was going nuts with nausea. Luckily Ice chips saved me along with the meds once they kicked in.
2. Extreme Fatigue and headache. I am only slightly fatigued today. Yay!
3. Not being able to have babies. This one- I just keep praying that God will give me the ability to have children in the future.
4. Mouth Sores. No mouth sores at this moment, Woohoo!
5. I can become easily infected. So I have to watch what I touch (knives, stove tops, hair straighter), can’t kiss my animals, and have to stay away from sick people. BOO this side effect is lame.
6. I am not listing anymore because they are disgusting but I do not have any of the other side effects! If you really want to know- call me.

Yesterday was my first treatment. I was really nervous at the beginning of the day but I was excited to get the ball rolling and get some chemo in my system to get rid of this cancer! Dr. Kovoor went over everything with Ryan, Deb, and I. He let me know a ton of info along with all the side effects, that he can not promise me I will never get cancer again, and even said a prayer with us before I started treatment. Once I went into the infusion room I sat down in my comfy lazy boy chair. Rene surprised me with a ipad! So I had an iPad to kill time. Unfortunately, I had to wait to get home to hook up my iPad. But YAY I got an ipad. Now I do not have to share with Ryan!! Thanks for the great gift Rene! :) Anyway, it was pretty easy. They hooked the chemo up to my port in my chest and it was over with in about 1 in a half hours. I was like heck yeah, this is awesome if I am always going to be feeling great at the end of my treatment!

It was not until this morning it all went down hill. Ryan kissed me on the forehead, asked me if I needed him to stay, I said no I was good, then he left. I guess it was better for him to leave than to stay here and watch me suffer. I jumped out of bed at 9am ready to puke. But I knew I couldn’t so I made the mistake by chugging 2 bottles of water, chugging a instant breakfast, and taking my cocktail of drugs. Since everything went down so fast my body was like “AHHH WHAT!” and made me nauseous 20 x more. I sat on the bed, read some scriptures, couldn’t read because that made me want to puke too so I just prayed. Then I started to cry like a baby and thought “Maegan, stop. You can do this stay strong and fight this.” So my 5 seconds of tears quickly became hatred towards cancer. I imagine cancer being a blob of those really gross chocolate cake doughnuts. Ew I don’t like those- so in my mind cancer is a blob of cake doughnuts. And I sucked up the pain, nausea, and occasion barfing in my mouth and HAVING to swallow it (sorry its gross but hey, it happens). I can not throw up because if I do the doc said I wont stop. So I have decided if anything comes up, it’s going right back where it came from. Unless I cant handle it. EWWW I know it’s gross! Sorry, Sorry no more of that talk!

All I can do now is sit and take my medicine on time. And eat. And yes I have been eating! It has been forced down my mouth. Even though everything sounds sick to me, I am just sucking it up. Because that is what my body needs to stay healthy.
Although this is a crazy unfortunate event in my life. I kind of feel in a way thankful for it. It has made me open my eyes to what is important in my life. I was always rushing to get things done. Before becoming diagnosed 2 weeks ago with Stage 2 Triple Negative (Meaning my cancer does not feed off of Hormones or Estrogen and something else, I forgot) I was in school full time with all A’s (3.8 GPA yes I am smart) getting ready to soon graduate, working out 5x a week with a happily gained 4 pack, a proud volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters, and had a full time job. I was go, go, go. I never really took a deep breath to just stop and smell the Texas Blue Bonnets. DO they even have a smell? Anyway, since this diagnoses, I feel like I look at life differently. I feel more of a confident Woman. To stop rushing. School will be here when I get better- so I took a leave of absence. I have certainly never taken Ryan for granted but as of late I have made sure he knows how much I appreciate him. Just by the little things I say or do. He is my rock and if it was not for him I may be having a mental breakdown right now. Ryan and I never argue anyway but if something comes up, I am just like whatever- let it be! There is no reason to become upset with the one you love. Unless it is really bad but I am fortunate to be in a healthy strong relationship. I feel like God is like “Maegan, hello, I am here, talk to me, put all of your troubles on me, I will get you through this.” I am a spiritual person to begin with but now my faith has kind of lifted me up and I feel that with every step I take God is right beside me. Through the bad times like this morning to the good times. Along with these things mentioned, I feel a lot more confident in myself. Even though I am going to be bald, eyebrow less, boobless… I still feel like my heart and my soul shines brighter than my physical self. That may sound really weird but I truly think the outside does not matter. It is what is on the inside that counts. Like dragon fruit. The outside sucks but the inside is awesome! So with all of this being said, I am thankful that I had a sucker punch hit me in the face. It has made me patient, and be more thankful for the wonderful people in my life that are wiling to bend over backwards for me. For the little things people do for me and the BIG things people do for me really touch my heart. So, Thank you Heavenly Father for waking me up :) Till next time… Fight like a Girl!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Keep your Chin Up, Or your Wig will Fall Off- Zach

This morning I laid in bed feeling like nothing was wrong with me. I felt like I had a looong night of sleep (thanks to the ambien) and could start my normal non-cancer Saturday routine. Coffee, Running 5 miles, and shopping. I looked over at my snoozing pup that laid beside me and kissed him 900 times on the face and on the lips!! I know what you are thinking- eww gross! But no, that is not gross, that is love! I had no worries. At this moment of greatness in my life I could care less he eats bugs and other weird things. Once I start chemo on Monday I am not going to be able to kiss Aston or my cat Zucca. I can pet them and then have to wash my hands, how lame is that? That will be hard for me because I am a up in yo’ face gimmie some smoochie smooches kind of gal. Anyway, I felt like a million bucks this morning and I couldn’t of been happier. I soaked up the feeling of what it is like to be in good spirits. I took a deep breath and just relaxed. My whole body from my head to my toes felt normal. I did not feel nauseous, achy, or have any pain. I was in heaven! And then it happened. I rolled over on my belly. I was so relaxed and was not thinking about anything that I just rolled on over. AHHHHHH I forgot I had a spiky cat toy stickin out of my chest! So my 10 minutes of feeling like heaven quickly went out the window. I then remembered I had breast cancer and due to this stupid port I can’t lay on my stomach. Talk about buzz kill to a perfect morning.

Before bed I try to read my scriptures. Sometimes I pass out or sometimes worldy events like the TV show “Lock Up’ distract me. Last night I did not get in enough scriptures to sooth my soul so I read some this morning. Sometimes what I do is pray and then ask God to give me a sign by me flipping pages of the bible and when I stop flipping the pages, my finger will land on a scripture, which heavinly father meant for me to read. So, here I am flipping away praying to Heavenly father please give me some guidance… and I come upon this scripture: John 14: 1 –“Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; Trust also in me”. Out of all the scriptures in the bible my finger lands upon John 14:1. I have such a strong faith and it makes me so happy to know that Jesus is with me every step of the way. I just wanted to share that with everyone because I know I worry way too much and am constantly thinking what is going to happen with me. It brought peace to me and hopefully whatever you are going through in your personal lives, it will bring peace to you as well.

I cut my thick long hair yesterday. Well, I didn’t cut it but a sweet lady named Heather did. Yes, I cheated on my hair stylist (sorry Brooke) and went to Rene’s and Ryan’s hair stylist. She did a great job! She helped me prepare for the big day all this hair is coming off my head. I couldn’t be happier because I love my new hair! I have noticed with short hair and my weight loss my nose looks bigger. Oh well, small price you have to pay for getting rid of cancer. Plus, I have never been vain so I do not really care. My best friend Katy is coming to visit from my stompin grounds... PCB Florida in September. We have been best friends since the 6th grade and have been through so much together. From fights to her two babies to her quitting all my jobs for me to anything you can think of. We have been there. It has been hard to go through this and not have her here with me for support. I have another good friend Crystal that is trying to get to TX to see me before all this cancer gets messy. It has been hard to not have her here either to comfort me with her wild personality. Anyway, I thought about going to Brooke (my friend and hair stylist) and letting her shave my head but I figure if I am not in my comfort zone surrounded by the things I love then I may get really upset and cry. I know if Katy does the honor she will make it fun and we will have a good time with giving me a good ol’ buzz cut! Time to relax and maybe go do some shoppin :) Have great weekend and till next time.. Fight like a girl

Thursday, August 26, 2010


First off, everyone should own a juicer. Ryan and I recieved a juicer as a gift and let me tell you what, that bad boy can make some killer juices and smoothies. Thank you Deb and Rene.. we love it and it will help me stay healthy. Ryan is not a big veggie eater so we have made a pack that to every one cup I drink of veggies he has to match it. Which is easy for me because I will pretty much eat/drink anything. So get ready Ryan, you’re about to be healthy!!! Right now I am drinking myself a grapefruit, banana, kiwi, and mango puree. Yum.

I got my port put in my chest yesterday. What is a port you ask? Well let me just tell you… it is a gigantic spiky ball that is under my skin!!!!! That is what it s to me, but according to the “Port Advantage Book” it is a small (bull sh*t) device that is placed under the skin. It connects to a small tube called a catheter. Blah Blah Boring, it pretty much is for my chemo treatments. I can not have a IV every time because it will fry my veins so they had to put this port in. It is how they will give me my medicine.
Yesterday I was under the impression I was having day surgery. I am no wiz at medical terms but I thought day surgery meant in and out. So I was like “okay, I got this, I am going to go in at 4:30 am, get my port, then go to work.” Hale no that did not happen. This surgery was more like regular surgery. We rolled up to the hospital at 4:30 am, didn’t get back to surgery until 7:30am. Right before I was put under anesthesia Dr.Canavan came into my little room to say hello to me and let me know that my cancer is NOT genetic, that the lump in my left breast is NOT cancer (it’s a fibroid tumor) and she liked my socks. So, with this being said the anesthesiologist then came in and gave me two drops of “his margarita mix”. He told me to lay back and relax, because I was about to feel tipsy from my two margaritas. Well, FYI Doc, I hate (hate is a strong word and yes I do hate) margaritas and normally by 2 margaritas I will be hugging the toilet. He corrected himself and told me to lay back and relax because I was about to have two pineapple and vodkas. That was much better so I laid back and relaxed. As he and my nurse rolled me to the surgery room on my queen size bed I felt like I was a celebrity being rolled through the halls of the hospital. Everyone and their mom were staring at me on my queen sized bed. Then I remember waking up to EXTREME pain in my chest. The nurse said “rate your pain” I said “10”. Then I got a pump of morphine. I was like “Oooh hello who are you making me feel better” then she said again “Rate your pain” I replied “9” then “Oooh hello you again making me feel better!!” That went on for about 5 minutes until my pain was rated at a 5 and I was in complete bliss. Anyway, the port is in my chest and hurts like a mo-fo. Dr. C told me that it was not going to be noticeable. I guess she did not realize I have no meat on my chest area. It is poking out like you would not believe! I feel like I have a cat toy under my skin. Luckily, I have pain medication and phenergan for my nausea because I keep looking at it in the mirror and wanting to barf. I also can not shower for 2 days and can not wear a bra. So I am stuck inside. Oh well, time to catch up on DVR.

Dr. C told me that I did not get breast cancer from genetics. So, I am clueless as of how I got it. I am 25 years old… and healthy. Everything I have researched does not apply to me. Everything talks about being obese, not being breast fed, and radiation exposure. Since I have always been a tiny gal, enjoyed my momma's natural breast milk as a babe, and from what I know have not been exposed to radiation... I am lost.
I have always been physically fit, eat everything off the food pyramid and much more, I do not smoke, and not a big drinker. I do remember getting in trouble when I was little because I drank tap water out of the faucet in Mississippi. My mom said it was dirty water. Shoot, maybe that is how I got breast cancer? I have the slightest idea as to how I got this. In the end it does not really matter to me. Just as long as I get well and fight this cancer. If you are women and are reading this right now, go check your boobs because this can happen to anyone out there.. Everything happens for a reason. I am getting nervous about chemo but I have trust in the lord he will give me the strength to get through it. I also am using Ryan's iPad to watch movies during my 3 hour session so I realy have no complaints!!! :)
I would rather me have breast cancer than my little sister or my mom or anyone close to me. I would rather take it on and fight it then see someone I love so dearly go through this and suffer. I am fortunate to have an awesome boss who is letting me take time to get better and have great friends at work who are helping me while I am out. I am off to lay in bed with my cat toy sticking out of my chest till next time… fight like a girl!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Getting ready for my Chemo Cocktail!

Chemotherapy starts in officially 1 week. And ladies and gent’s… I want to barf. It is making me sick to my stomach to think about it. I have not been sleeping and eating well for the past 3 days because I have been so nervous. I have been blaming partially the weight loss and fatigue on the cancer... but I think a good bit of it has to do with me not chowing down. Oops.
Heavenly father has been hearing from me every 10 minutes. I have been asking him to give me the strength to get through the first session without throwing up or crying. Lately, I have been a mega cry baby. I mean, today on the radio I heard “I Can Love You Like That” by none only than All-4-One and I started crying. I guess I was thinking about my hair and how I love it. But, that is a sad song in general so if you are not crying when you hear that song you are crazy! (Hopefully by now everyone knows my personality and sense of humor, I am only joking about it being a sad song). The only thing I am excited about for next Monday is that I get to wear these cool pins my mom got me. I am going to wear one that says “The Nurses favorite”. Heck yeah, I am!

Yesterday Ryan and I went to two of our friends (Ben and Crystal) children’s baptism. I felt like I was in a movie. We walked in to this cute tiny little white church and there are people clapping, tambourine’n it up, and just praising the lord so enthusiastically. I was like dang this is awesome. But, everything was in Spanish. It was still awesome to see people singing in Spanish really excited and happy! Of course, me being in this emotional craze right now, I was so happy that I got a wii bit choked up. Ryan, who thinks I am in extreme pain and super worried… is like “Maegan are you okay, what do you need” and I am like “No, Ryan I just really love this and am happy to be here”. After the children were baptized I was called to the front of the church to be prayed for. Ben told his family about my health right now and his father being the preacher asked me to come to the front, in Spanish. But there was an interpreter (Ben’s brother) so I knew he was talking to me :) As I am walking up to the front I was having convolutions (not really I was just trembling a little) I felt like I was going to pass out due to my nervousness. I began to cry as I was walking to the front. Not because I am sad, I am just thankful. I was holding Ben’s hand squeezing the bleep out of it. Or at least, that is what I felt like. The preacher was speaking to me telling the church members what was going on… Me, still being a weenie was crying. FYI people, I try to think about stuff that makes me not want to cry. Like Jacob Black from Twilight letting me ride on his werewolf back through the forest. But unfortunately, I was riding on Jacob’s back crying. Anyway, I am standing up at the front with Ben and these sweet women come up to me and place their hands on my shoulders, back, stomach, everywhere. I am like, covered with little hands. The second they put their hands on me I am 100% calm. I mean I literally stopped crying and shaking. And if you know me, that is not normal when I am in church and someone is praying for me. I normally cry like a baby. I was able to listen to the whole prayer Ben’s dad was saying and Ben’s brother (the interpreter) was repeating. The second I stopped crying these sweet women began to cry, shake, and pray their own prayers really loud. I mean, they were seriously not playing around. They were crying really loud. I honestly felt like my emotions were flowing through me and off to them. It was like they were taking my sadness and letting it out for me. Giving me a break from being so upset. It was such an awesome experience. And the whole time I could feel heavenly father standing there with me. I grew up with strong beliefs in my faith and Jesus always in my heart. To me, no matter which church I am in, I can feel the spirit. God is everywhere you are. Of course, not if you are sinning but if you are in the grocery store on the pasta isle, you better believe he is right there with you. He is with me everywhere I go. He was with me in the church when Ben’s dad was praying for me along with the rest of the church. He allowed me 5 min of peace and not to worry. He let these little ladies cry for me. Call me crazy, but that is what I think. It was pretty awesome.

Today happens to be my Birthday. Thank you mom for birthing me. I really appreciate it! I have received many sweet gifts from people all around. Thanks everyone!! And thanks for all the birthday wishes! I also received a... RING from Ryan!!!! Oh, don’t get all excited everyone; it is not an engagement ring! But it is a beautiful ring. In size 5! I wear size 7. BUT it was not Ryan’s fault. The salesman gave Ryan the wrong ring and the wrong size! Even though it is a gorgeous ring, the salesman put the wrong one in the bag.
I also picked up 2 wigs today!! I got a short sassy brown one and an auburn one! Next, a blonde one. So, I am going to be stylin’ in all my many color wigs! Watch out TeXaS!! I am getting my hair cut pretty short this weekend. Probably up to my jaw line. I need to prepare myself for when I get my “G.I. Jane” hair doo. The less to shave off is better! I in a way am kind excited to shave my noggin. To me, I am saying “Bring it on Cancer, gimmie all ya got”. I may be eating those words when I am sitting in the chair getting my head shaved, but right now... I like the way I am talking crap to cancer.

One last thing… Mamma Tiner’ (my mom) leaves in 3 days. Mom, I don’t want you to leave. I know you will be back but it was nice having you here for a while :) If you are reading this mom, I miss you already. Thank you for being strong when I cried many times over all of this. I know it is hard for you to see your little girl crying because she has cancer. But, you make me feel like I am going to be fine. It reminds me when I was little when I was sick. I would crawl in bed with you and just your love would make me feel better. Thank you for loving me so much and never giving up on me all those years when I gave you hell. I think you are perfect in every way and I thank Heavenly Father everyday he gave me a beautiful, passionate, amazing mom like you. If it was not for you, I would not be the person I am today. Again, thanks for birthin’ me tinner!
Happy Birthday to me.. and... Fight like a girl :)

Saturday, August 21, 2010

When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.

This is going to be lengthy... Sorry :)

I wanted to update my blog tonight to give thanks. First off, to the Good Lord above. You have given me the ability to be happy in a time of craziness. You are giving me the strength to get up everyday and face the day with a smile on my face. If it was not for your love, I would be depressed and looking at this event in a negative way. I have a strong soul and I thank you for that. And thank you, thank you, thank you for not letting my cancer spread!!!

I am so thankful to have so many wonderful people in my life. I may be going through a hard time right now but how could I be so sad when I have so many things to be happy about. Plus, it is not always about me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I do feel horrible and I am in some pain. This truly bites a big one. I am only human and yes I do wish things were different but they are not. But what good does it do to sit and complain? Sure my health may not be up to par but I have an amazing family that is spread out around Florida that gives me unconditional love. My boyfriend who always is doing everything in his ability to make me happy. I mean dang y’all he went and walked around the mall with my mom and I for 2 hours with no complaining! Now that is love. I have a wonderful mom who still picks up after me, puts me in my place, and makes me laugh harder than any one alive. Ryan’s parents treat me like I am the daughter they never had. Deb has been to every doctor’s appt with us and is making sure I am eating enough food and drinking plenty of water. She is definitely my second mom. Rene is the silent type. But when he speaks to me, I listen. Because it is important and I listen to him like he is my dad. Oh, and my sweet pup. Aston the 120 pound spoiled lab. Today he got the whole container of sugar off the counter, ate half the container, and sprinkled the rest all through out the living room. I come home from lunch to find my sweet Aston in a sugar comma with sugar ALL over his face. Thank you Aston. And Thank- you mom for cleaning it up.

All of Ryan’s family on his mom’s side and dad’s side have always been so good to me and always have made me feel like part of their families. I have felt so much love from all of them that it is one of the greatest feelings ever. To know you are cared and loved by, by so many is such a blessing. I feel like I have so many angels standing by me through thick and thin. Nancy and Rene (Ryans grandparents on his dad's side) have gone above and beyond by the special things they have done for me. From the beautiful flowers the Howell’s sent me to the lunches they have taken me on. Thank you! Ryan’s cousin got married tonight and it was such a fun wedding. At one point Ryan’s little cousin Isabella was playing with my hair. She is always giving me hugs and being sweet to me. She was playing with my hair and I started to think “Man, in a few months she is not going to be able to do this. She is not going to be able to run her fingers through my hair.” I closed my eyes and just thought to myself “This freaking sucks, I wish this moment would last forever.” I know that sounds lame but when you are about to be bald, you would be thinking the same thing. Isabella’s mom Francine even told me if I wanted to get all mushy and hug she would hug me. And FYI people, Francine does not get mushy and huggie. So that means she really does care so you better believe I am going to ask her to get “mushy” with me!! I come from a small family and to step in and be a part of Ryan's HUGE family that I feel so comfortable with is awesome! I am in bliss :)

(Ryan and I before the wedding)

(Isabella and Francine)

I was really touched by something a good friend of mine Emily did today. Her and I worked together for a little while and became pretty close. We are a lot alike in many ways and both are weenies at heart. A few of her family members have recently been diagnosed with cancer. When I told her I had cancer she was pretty upset and has been checking in on my everyday to make sure I am mentally and physically okay. Today she went and got 10 inches of her beautiful long hair cut off and donated it to a wig foundation that supports cancer patients. This is the first time she has had short hair in 18 years. Now if that is not a good friend then what the heck is. Emily, I love you.

From all my co-workers to all my friends who have showed so much love. Courtney and Daniel at work- THANK YOU for helping me while I am out of the office. Courtney, Thank you for being awesome in general. To Jenn and Brain ( hahaha I meant to write Brian, That would be cool if his name were Brain) for honoring me at a cancer foundation function and Lindsey K. who dedicated one of her dance performances in FL to me, Thank y’all from the bottom of my heart. To Caleb and Ben for getting Breast Cancer Awareness Tattoos in my honor, I love you guys. To all Ryan’s guy friends for bringing me 2 dozen roses at 12 am, Thank y’all! The emails I have been getting from old high school friends to people that have just run across my blog, Thank you for thinking of me and showing your support. Until sometime in the future…. Goodnight and… fight like a girl ;)

Friday, August 20, 2010

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face -Eleanor Roosevelt

I have come to the conclusion...My Boobs are Trying to Kill Me.
Today was the most informative Dr. Appt yet. If you are living in the Dallas area and need a good breast doctor, Dr. Canavan is the BEST! She is so kind, gentle, and talks to me like I am a friend. I just want to squeeze her and say I LOVE YOU!!!! So much love Dr. C, much love! Today I found out several things:

1. I have Stage 2 Cancer: This is the early stage. The tumor is 3.8 cm across.
2. The doctor’s office needs to change their posters on the wall that are named “Information on Breast Cancer”. The women on the posters look like men with deformed boobs and noses.
3. The cancer has NOT, I repeat has NOT spread!!! WOO-HOO HECK YEAH! Celebrate!!!
4. Biopsy’s hurts like crazy, got another one done on my left breast for a new spot they found yesterday on the sonogram.
5. The cancer is invasive. Meaning it has the potential to spread.
6. The set date to start Chemo is August 30 and it will be 4 months long.
7. I am looking at about a year until I am all healed up.
8. Two or Ryan’s Best Friends Ben and Caleb are getting Breast Cancer Awareness tattoos in my honor. Heck yes in my honor! Now how freakin sweet is that! :) I love you guys!
9. No matter how much I am eating I am not gaining weight. And YES ladies and gentleman I want to gain between 5-10 pounds. Unfortunately (this is the only time in my life I will say unfortunately) I am loosing weight. Not sure how because this is the third night in a row I just devoured a huge piece of cake.

A lot of friends have been asking how did I realize I had breast cancer? I wanted to share this with everyone because it is important to know the signs and to get yo’ self checked!

On a brisk Tuesday evening… just kidding… One day I was relaxing on the couch with my two hunnies, Ryan and Aston. I just felt my breast (it’s a girl thing I am sure all of us girls do that) and there was a hard lump. About 1 cm big. To make a long story short I told my regular physician and she checked it out. She told me NOT to worry it was not breast cancer. Then she referred me to Lewisville Medical Center for an ultrasound on the lump. The radiologist there assured me I was too young to get breast cancer and not to worry it was NOT breast cancer but did tell me to get a biopsy done ASAP. With this being said, I had an easy feeling in my heart and believed both doctors. Ryan’s mom, Deb, stayed on my butt and I finally got a biopsy appointment. I was not worried about it but she and Ryan were. So biopsy results came back and I have cancer. It does not matter how old you are. You can get breast cancer. I have not found any statistics on women in their 20’s but I do know that women in their 30’s have a 1 in 257 chance of getting breast cancer and a woman in her 50’s has a 1 in 37 chance (Brown & Freeman, 2007). Two professionals may have told me that I did not have breast cancer but they were not breast specialist. Even my regular doc told me I did not have it. So all you gals out there make sure you are getting several opinions if you find a lump in your breast and in my opinion, by a breast specialist. And always check your boobies. Until next time my friends… fight like a girl!

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Mammograms and Wigs

First off, I am a private person. I was intending on NOT telling anyone besides family about my breast cancer. I have come to the conclusion...who cares. If I can help someone out there going through the same issues as me, that is fantastic! So, posting my link to this blog and telling the whole FaceBook world I had breast cancer was a pretty big step for me...
Last night was one of the hardest nights I had since I found out I have breast cancer. I have held myself together pretty dang well for the past 6 days. I have only cried once or twice and never asked God why. I am not a big crier unless I am super passionate about something or I am really upset. And I do not like to cry infront of people. Not family or friends. I really thought, hey, I got this. But Shoot…Last night from 1am-3am I laid on the bathroom floor and had a pity party with myself, the scale, and the toilet. All while Ryan , Mom, Zucca, and Aston slept. I also did not tell anyone until right now that I cried :) so, on that note. I did not sleep and had to get up bright and early for my Mammogram which I could not stop thinking about. My boobs were about to be squished to death and heck no I was not excited!
I was in some pretty bad pain last night and could not take my pain medication because I thought I had a PET scan. (Found out today that it is not until next Thursday) You can not drink after 12am and at 12:07 am I said “Ryan! I forgot to take my pain medication can I take it?” Ryan so loving and being a non rule breaker said” NO MAEGAN absolutely not”. So that is what led to the pity party in the bathroom… pppaaaiiinnn… And thinking about the mammogram.
Okay I would like to take this time to say thank you to the inventor of the mammogram machine. Whoever you are out there, you suck! Holy freaking moley that machine causes some serious pain! That is all I am going to say about that.
I had a sonogram too this morning and they found something in my left breast now. Not sure what it is, but I will find out soon because I am sure Dr. C will take a biopsy on that breast. The way I see it is, if it is cancer, so be it…. The chemo is going to kick its butt.
I have officially decided that I am going to shave my head during the first to two weeks of chemo. I am also going to video tape in and put it on here for you guys to see. Because I think it is something people should see. This is real. This is as real as it gets and this can happen to anyone. I want to help women in this situation in the future to know that they are not alone. I want women to watch this video and say “Wow, if she can do this, I can do this”. I do love my hair, but I would rather prepare myself mentally with shaving my head rather than sitting in bed watching Teen Mom and my hair falling out in my hands. That would not be cool.
So, today Mom, Deb, and I went to look for wigs! And boy did we find some! The first wig I put on… I started crying. I tired my hardest to hold it back but it hit me like a ton of bricks. I just looked at me in the mirror and said in my mind. F-U Cancer. You are taking my hair from me. What else do you want to take? Your going to be taking my boobs, my hair, possibly my eyebrows… what else do you want to take from me to make me feel less of a woman? I am going to look like my brother. But skinny and pale. Which is fine because he is handsome. This just makes me realize I thought I was one tuff cookie with handling all this but geeze, it’s pretty dang hard.
So I am posting my wigs pics… I like the short styles because my hair has always been so thick I was never able to have short hair flair. But now.. get prepared because I am going to have some pretty sweet dos! I am also getting some Tory Burch scarves and making head turbans!! I am so happy and can not wait to wear a TB Turban!!
I find out tomorrow a lot of news. I already know it is a grade 2 and that it is triple negative but I find out if it has spread to my lyphnodes and stage of Cancer. I am praying to the good lord that it has not gotten to my lymph nodes and spread. But if it has, I know that God did not put me on this earth to face a battle alone. Until tomorrow much love and… fight like a girl!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

I have Breast Cancer.

"Your results are in.... you have breast cancer."
What! What! What!... and then I started crying. Sitting on the table with just a lame robe on balling my eyes out. I have freaking breast cancer. Breast...cancer. "Take a deep breath Maegan." huuuuu and no, I cannot take a deep breath while I am crying. You try taking a deep breath while crying.
Even though I had the love of my life sitting 2 feet from me and Dr. Canavan sitting in front of me patting my leg, I felt all alone. I grabbed on to the cross on my necklace and just said a prayer. I had three amazing people in the room with me. Ryan, DR. C, and God. Then I just shrugged my shoulders and told Ryan and Dr. Canavan God has a plan for me. This is part of his plan. And no I did not say that calmly, I was still crying.
So I sit there and dry my eyes. Dr.C is telling me all this stuff about breast cancer and blah blah blah I do not remember one thing she said. The only thing I could think of was a neon light blinking in my head that says “YOU” “HAVE” “BREAST” “CANCER”.
I did not really have any questions. I really did not know anything about breast cancer. Being a woman I should probably have somewhat of an idea but no, I never thought of it. So the only question I had was if I were going to die? Dr.C said that is not a question to ask... but I am leaning towards... heck no! If I were once the best girl skimboarder on the gulf coast...I sure as heck can beat cancer! It may knock me on my toosh from time to time but I come from a woman who raised three children on her own who taught us all independence at a young age along with how to be strong in any situation you are faced with. If my brother can carry a injured 300 pound man miles and miles right after getting blown up by a bomb in war, I sure as hell can beat cancer.
This is my first blog. I do not know the first thing about writing blogs but I wanted to do this for my family and friends. I also want other women my age, older and younger, to know – You can get breast cancer at ANY age. And you can fight it at any age. The MOST important thing while going though this or any tribulation is that I know God is right there with me. Within the last week I have learned I have to have some hard core chemotherapy. I am going to loose my lovely thick locks. My wonderfully shaped eyebrows. And, my marvelous knuckle hair, hahaha. Just kidding, I don’t have knuckle hair but if I did it would be gone!
I am a little scared. I have a peaceful feeling in my heart that sooths my mind. Yeah this is going to be a hard journey but what helps is every doctor to nurse I have met has been extremely nice and genuinely caring. I also have the BEST support system. I have felt so much love and blessings from so many people that it is one of the best feelings to have. God has blessed me with amazing people in my life. Till next time…fight like a girl :)