Saturday, February 26, 2011

If you love the life you live, you will live a life of love.

Just a few pictures... I would put pictures of everyone but I am on my iPad and I have limited pics :)

(My girlfriends minus a few- here in TX who have always taken time to cheer me up and help me out with anything I needed)

(MY best friend and my Maid of Honor who has called me everyday to check on me and came to TX to take care of me. Love you)

(My wonderful in-laws who have taken me in and treated me as their own daughter. Deb, who has been my go to women when I freak myself out and my ears to everthing cancer. I love you. Thanks for listening to my cry and helping me get through the hard times.)

(MOM!!! I love you MOM! The best mom in the world. Waking up everyday for a month straight after surgery with breakfast, lunch, dinner, a clean house, a clean dog, she did it all. I miss you everyday. Thank you for being... you)

(The day I found out I had Breast Cancer...riding the elevator about to hear the words "You have Breast Cancer. But who was right there beside me.. My wonderful fiancee. I love you forever)

(My hair is growing back... fast!!)

"Sometimes the cards we are dealt are not always fair. However you must keep smiling & moving on."

Ladies and Gentleman… here it is.. my final blog post! I have been sitting back for the past few weeks thinking if I wanted to keep my blog open and updated while going through radiation. But I have come to the conclusion… Onward and Upward! I am a CANCER SURVIVOR (a 1 month survivor, ha-ha) !! I have always been in love with life and through this whole journey have become even more in love with life and the future God has planned for me. I mean, HELLO, look at the perfect man he has blessed me with! Who wouldn’t be happy! I am so excited and blessed to be able to spend my life with an amazing, passionate, HUGE hearted man. I will say no more because I do not want to embarrass Ryan. But for real ya’ll, he is the best thing in this WORLD that has ever happened to me. Mushy Mushy blah blah I know! But I am madly in love. HAVE been madly in love for the past 5 years. You know you are with the right man when he didnt miss one chemo treatment, one doctor appointment, saw me with no breasts, and picked all the pieces of me off the ground when I was deathly sick and crying. He must love me if he has seen me at 90 pounds, bald, no eyebrows, and looking like a freak show. I love you babe :) Looks like I need to get him a thank you gift... Ferrari?? ... ya never know!!!

My journey/process through cancer is not coming to an end but my blog is ☺ I think it is about time to shut this bad boy down. –Well it will still be on the Internet but I will not be posting anymore.
I want to start off by saying THANK YOU to EVERYONE for all the prayers sent up to the good lord above, words of encouragement to keep me going and staying positive through this whole mess, and for everyone’s support. The countless gifts I have received over the past 7 months, the Breast Cancer Walks my family, loved ones, friends, strangers, have walked in my honor… THANKYOU!!! And me just being able to help other women who have stumbled across my blog. It has meant the world to me to know I have so many people who care and love me deeply. And for me to be able to help other women is such an amazing feeling!!
From all my family, to all my friends, and to people in the world that have reached out to me that I have never met, THANKYOU! This by no means has been easy but having such an awesome support system helped me kick this cancer to the curve!
I have 6 weeks of radiation starting March 1st. It is everyday Monday – Friday, about 10 min a day, of lazar beams hitting my right breast. The side effects are ONLY fatigue and burns! Nothing bad and crazy like chemotherapy. Just fatigue and a sunburn on the spot the radiation hits. And heck yes I will be able to have a healthy full head of hair! No hair loss comes with breast radiation!

I have already got my spacers filled to a good (BIG) size. After radiation I will get my spacers filled up one more time and then… New Boobs/Implants! Yay! Here comes too much information…. But the spacers are like big rocks on my chest. It is weird and not normal and NOT fun. But hey, I am happy because I had/ have the two best doctors- Dr. Lynn Canavan and Dr. Joshua Lemmon (who both happen to be in D magazine for best breast surgeon and plastic surgeon in Dallas) work on my chest! My boulders on my chest may feel like rocks but my docs saved my skin and have made them look beautiful!
My next stop is in March to the nutritionist. She is going to set up a good low-saturated fat diet I will have to follow…forever. I have always been a healthy eater- but now I am going to be taking supplements, eating organically only, and lean meats. Goodbye to sugars, bread, MASHED POTATOES, Diet Sodas, and some Dairy products. Hello Juices made by Maegan and Ryan! Since we do not know what caused this cancer and I have a chance of it coming back in the next 3 years… we are going to set me up with a VERY healthy lifestyle. I just hope Ryan is pre-pared to be eating as healthy as me ☺ I have already started working back out. Let me tell you, loosing my eyebrows and not being able to go to the gym has been the hardest part for me. I absolutely LOVE the feeling working out gives me. I love it when my body feels healthy and when I am physically fit. Not only does being physically fit help with making your body tone, but it gives you (at least me) a healthy mental attitude too. I am happier and feel on top of the world when I am physically fit and mentally fit. I would recommend running and lifting lightweights to everyone!

This week was my first week back to work since my surgery, which was really hard. It kicked my butt. I am extremely thankful to be able to have such a wonderful boss who has let me take however much time off to get healthy and beat this cancer! Thanks boss ;) It was also my first week of actually wedding planning. Yay! So, now I will be planning our wedding, being healthy, and focusing on finishing my psychology degree. 6 more classes to go and I am graduated! Finally!

So, again my friends, Thank you so much for following my blog for the past 7 months and reading all of my stories. It has been a great way for me to vent- show my love for people who are always there for me- and this has been an outlet/therapy for me. Without all of your support and encouragement this crazy process would have been difficult. Through my experience, and anything you are going through, if you feel like you cannot take on another day… get on your knees and pray! Shoot, it does not matter if you are in the dressing room at Nordstrom’s. Just pray. The power of prayer is incredible and Heavenly Father has given me the strength to get up everyday with a smile on my face and say F*ck You cancer. He gave me the strength, and I came up with the wording. I am sure he was not happy with my potty mouth. BUT those days where I laid in bed and cried… I would reach over to my bible and read, read, read till I was like “Maegan! Get your butt up and give this cancer hell!” So- when you are facing a hard time in life… keep your chin up and don’t forget about the man upstairs because his love is powerful and will carry you in the hardest of times. ;) I will be turning my blog into a book. Just to keep around for when I have children they can see what Ryan and I went though. Not sure when it will be ready?

Love to everyone Always,
Maegan Murr
Oh and don’t forget… Fight Like A Girl! - Pictures as of late...

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

To radiate or to NOT to radiate?

I went to see my oncologist today and BOY oh BOY was it informing! Dr. K went over my pathology report from my double mastectomy. Here are the details:
My breast margins were cleared as negative. Meaning- no cancer cells were found in the surrounding tissue. So not only was my tiny little tumor that chemo shrank removed but all the breast tissue that held NO cancer cells were removed as well. My left breast contained NO cancer also! So chemo kicked some major cancer booty!

My Cancer Case was presented to a board with several doctors in the TX area to discuss radiation.
I have had 8 treatments (4 mo) of hard chemotherapy and a double mastectomy to get rid of this cancer, and they discussed whether or not I needed to have the whole sha-bang and get radiation. I am no radiation wiz at the moment and cannot recall half the reasoning’s behind why Dr. K said the pros and cons but It all boiled down to pretty much me deciding on whether or not I want radiation.

Since all the cancer is gone and the chemotherapy was extremely successful then the Docs think it is all in my hands. There are no cancer cells left at all in my breast. It is my decision. Dr. K said, the chemo pretty much killed the cancer and the surgery scooped it all out as well. So if it is reassurance of knowing I did all I could, then I should get radiation. The good thing about radiation is that it helps prevent reoccurrence.

So I decided on… HECK YES! Why? Because I do not ever want to hear the news “You have breast cancer, again” and think to myself “If I would have had radiation this would not have happened. Basically, I will have peace of mind and know that I did everything possible to be cancer free. The crazy thing is, is that I spent the past week praying to heavenly father to please do not let me have to get radiation. I told him I couldn’t do this anymore. I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff about to be pushed off if I heard anymore bad news. For, it will take me longer to heal, I would have to wait even longer to get my breast back, loose my hair again, and I just did not want to go through all the side effects.
But today, when Dr.K said it is up to me- I shouted YES. It was like I was hit with some sort of confidence beam. I was happy to say yes. I felt like a smarty-pants and that nothing could stop me! I did not even think twice about it. I think it is a great decision and think that I am smart for wanting to go through the whole entire process. It is like going to Disney World. You don’t just ride 4 rides. You ride them all!

So that whole week of me praying and asking for help with not having to hear bad news- I made my own mind up and heavenly father knew that. He knew that I would be brave enough to say heck yea give me some radiation!
So what are the side effects? Here we go…
A problem that occurs when treatment affects healthy tissues or organs.
Some common side effects are fatigue, pain, nausea, vomiting, decreased blood cell counts, hair loss, and mouth sores, and extreme burns on my chest. Booo! BUT it’s okay. If I am going to be happy at the end of the day knowing that reoccurrence is less likely and knowing I did everything possible to get rid of cancer then I am happy ☺
I got this in the bag and if I am going to have cancer, well had cancer… I minus well do the whole shabam! So radiation it is! Dr K told me that he asked each doctor reviewing my case …. (It reminds me of 10 doctors sitting at a round table with a picture of my sweet face up on a screen, me bald, and them talking about me. I know its Vain, but that is how I think of these doctors talking about my case!) Anyway, Dr. K asked each doctor to think of me as his or her daughter. What would they say to their daughter about getting radiation? Would they want her to go through radiation? And they all said YES they would tell their daughter to do radiation.

(Our new sassy beanies)

(Mom and her "Kick a bear"- not happy with the bear and radiation)

(Hug a Bear and my fancy new beanie)

My mom and I also went to a program today that went over the pre and post information on mastectomies. It was myself, my mom, and two other ladies. It was the most informative class and I wish that they would have offered it to me at the beginning of my cancer treatment plan. I was rushed so fast into chemo because my tumor was trying to kill me and growing by the second, I had no time for class. BUT, today they gave me a sweet little “Hug me Doll” which mom refers to as a “Kick me Doll” because she hates anything cancer and radiation was not good news to her. I also received some awesome head beanies made by women who donate them to cancer patients. So, as of this moment, I have my kick me doll chillin’ beside me and beanie on my tiny head and waiting until tomorrow to go back to my plastic surgeon to get my spacers filled to a B cup! Then I go to my radiation doctor on Thursday to discuss how much radiation I need and how long it will take. My guess is everyday for 4 -6 weeks. So... that’s that and my battle with cancer has been won but is now much more longer than I planned it to be! But that is perfectly fine with me. Sooo it looks like my blog shall be a book! Thanks for reading, please keep reading and… Fight Like a Girl!

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Courage is being afraid but going on anyhow...

(Wedding planning at the hospital!)

(My favorite nurse Rene. She is in love with Twilight and made my stay at Baylor wonderful)

(Mom excited to walk me around the 7th floor of the hospital to stretch my legs)

Let your soul shine
It’s better than sunshine
It’s better than moonshne
Damn sure better than rain
Yeah now people don’t mind
We all get this way sometimes
Got to let your soul shine
Shine till the break of day

My intentions were to stop bloging before my mastectomy. But, Ryan encouraged me to continue writing because someone out there in the world may need a little inspiration, help, and encouragement during their battle with breast cancer. So, I am still here… blogging away slowly.

My surgery was nearly two weeks ago and Holy Cow. The first week home I was in wonderful spirits and just enjoying life day by day with Ryan, Mom, and Katy taking care of me every second of the day. I had my beautiful flowers smelling up my bed room from loved ones and wedding mags spread out all over the bed and I was just having a blast wedding planning! I had the pain meds and the muscle relaxers to help ease everything. I was feeling fantastic!

(Me wedding planning away last week. Enjoying life)

NOW week 2, I am on ibuprofen and FYI it is NOTHING compared to the good pain meds. I find myself yelling at myself and crying when I cant brush my own teeth, can not get out of bed with out help, and screaming when I lift my arms up on accident. I think I have thrown my toothbrush across the bathroom 5 times because it makes me so upset I cannot brush my teeth by myself. Since my arms suck right now my toothbrush does not go far. It goes about 2 cm in front of me. Ryan helps me put on my pj’s (which I live in right now) and I say “No, Ryan I can put them on by myself” and then I take 5 minutes to TRY to pull my pj bottoms up and start crying “I can not do it please help me”. Luckily, Ryan is patient and lets me try but then is there to rescue me when I figure out I am not able to dress myself. My favorite part about not being able to move is if I fall over on the couch I can not get up. So, today, my mom was sitting beside me on the couch and I fell over, face into my dog Aston’s butt, me screaming help, which the scream triggered my left breast to go into extreme pain (where the stitches are hit nerves and feels like I am being stabbed), and my mom just sitting there laughing because it was kind of funny, and then helping me up.
On my left side I have stitches that are hitting nerves so I literally cannot move my arm away from my side. So when I totally forget if I move my arm in any way, and go to grab something or lift my arm away from my side I scream and cry. The pain drops me to my knees and I just sit on the ground screaming OOOUUUCCCHHH. It is seriously that much pain. But, the doc said that the stitch should dissolve and soon I will have full range of movement in my arm. All I can say is this is freaking stupid and can’t wait till this stitch dissolves. As for my right side, I am doing awesome. Which, to me is nuts because my right side is where my tumor was and where the cancer was living. And I have full range of movement in this arm. I still am unable to move my arm in certain ways but it does not hurt like my left side.

I am such a go, go, go person and having to sit on the couch asking my mom to help me up, to please make me coffee, or to help pull up my own damn pants makes me so mad! Since I had pain meds during week 1, I just did not care and was happy. But now I am just sitting here watching the days go by waiting till I can go back to work, go back to the gym, and just be me again. The one thing I always try to remember through this whole mess is, this is my life now, and I have to work with it. It may not be the life I want at the moment, but fortunately, I am blessed to have people who love me, a great support system to help me have the best life as possible during this time. So I say to myself “Maegan, stop waiting for your old life to come back and MAKE your life the best life possible right now”. So, that’s my theory on this mess. I have gotten out of the house to go walk around the mall (yesterday) to get some exercise and now today- I feel like I was hit by a truck and my rib cage and chest hurt badly. Ryan and Mom both told me it was a bad idea but I wanted to be super woman and now regret it. :(

I have been to the plastic surgeon once to get my spacers filled up.I also got my tubes taken out of my sides so now I have holes in my sides that wont stop bleeding. Ouch. The holes look like I was poked with a pen. It is a pretty big hole.
I go once a week for a month to get to my desired size (C cup) and then I have to wait 1-2 months to get the real implants in. On my last spacer filler upper- it felt like I could not breathe. The plastic surgeon and nurse both at the same time filled up my breasts at the same time. It felt like someone was sitting on my chest and I could not breathe. My heart was pounding so hard and I just sucked up the pain because I wanted boobs back so badly. In the room while filling up the spacers with Ryan, the nurse and the surgeon I smiled and said “Yeah I am good I can handle this”. As soon as I got in the car with Ryan, I said “Holy shi*t Ryan that was insane and I cant freaking breathe”. So Ryan walked me through a breathing process and over the next 2 days it felt normal again.
I am not sure if I have to get radiation yet. I was supposed to go speak to my oncologist about radiation at the beginning of the week but since the weather was so bad here in TX I had to cancel my appt. (The roads have been iced over and it is freezing!!) Now, my appt is on the 8th and hopefully no radiation is needed!

I am cancer free! Cancer free! I still have so much ahead of me to complete to get back to normal. Every time I look down I see the scars and the damage that cancer has to done to me. It makes me upset and makes me cry that my chest is all torn up. But, life is not easy and I have a story to tell. I was diagnosed with cancer at 24 and kicked it's ass at 25! It has not been easy in any way and sometimes feels like it is getting harder... but the good lord has been blessing me along this hard journey and has held me back in times where I wanted to jump off an over pass. He has given me the strength to get out of bed and fight the day with happiness. He has put people in my life that I would have never met if it were not for cancer. Everyone keeps saying "God is going to bless you when all this is over" But honestly, he has blessed me all along the way and before I was diagnosed. I have one of the biggest blessings of all times and that is being able to be cancer free. I am going to be able to have my life back. And that is the biggest blessing of all. :)

Well, thanks for reading and…fight like a girl

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

In Love with Life.

The day before surgery I went to pre-op and the nurse told me I would be getting my own hospital room and I could order food from the hospital "menu" all day everyday 24 hours a day through out my stay. So, I was really excited! The pre-op nurse made me feel like I would be staying in a 5 star hotel so I was ecstatic and could not wait to get my surgery! I felt like I was going on vacation!
My surgery was last Friday 1/21 at Baylor Plano. I arrived at Baylor at 6:00am with Ryan, my Mom, and Katy. The morning of surgery I was not sad at all but a tiny bit anxious. I kept thinking about the horror stories that other women have told me they went through when undergoing a mastectomy. The horrendous pain, the mutilation they felt their bodies were undergoing, and the battle they had in their minds with God pleading "why me". So, while I was laying in my tiny hospital bed under 5 blankets waiting to go back to surgery I was trying not to stress myself out or cry because I was about to undergo a crazy surgery. I said goodbye to Mom and Katy as they left the room while Ryan clinged on to my hand as the anesthesiologist came in to get the party started.I ordered me my 4 shots of vodka and began to feel like a million bucks. For some reason all the things I have heard from other women that the surgery of loosing both breast would be hard left my mind. I felt stress free, I was actually happy, and at peace. I said a prayer to myself and was at ease. I was happy because I was about to be saying goodbye, F-You, and so long to cancer! I knew there were angels all around me and God was smiling down on me. Before I was rolled away with the anesthesia kicking in, Ryan gave me a kiss and said he loved me... and then I woke up.
I was awake in recovery and the first thing that came out of my mouth was "I AM CANCER FREE"!!!! There was only one other person in the recovery room with me and when I yelled out "I AM CANCER FREE" he yelled back "PRAISE THE LORD YOU ARE CANCER FREE". So he and I both were happy campers :)
So, I stayed my 2 nights in the 5 star hospital room and ate non stop. I ate just about everything on the menu and some. I was in heaven. I do not remember much about the hospital stay because I pressed the morphine button about 400 times in one day but I do remember eating awesome food and if you ever have to get surgery, Baylor Plano is the BEST!!!
I also had and still have some fantastic pain medication and was and am still just happy as can be. I had my mom, Ryan, Deb and Katy in the hospital room to crack jokes and make me smile. I also had the best smelling hospital room because I received beautiful flowers from loved ones. The nurses I had were wonderful and kept me smiling the whole time. There was one nurse that told me "When you wake up call me and I will come give you your pain meds". Well, I did not wake up until it was too late and I woke up screaming in pain because I forgot to call her. But, she hurried and gave me meds FAST! She also sat on my little bed with me hugging me as I cried. So, I forgave her quickly because she treated me as if I were her own child in pain.
I was able to bring one nurse home with me. Nurse Ryan. Just kidding! Now, Ryan absolutely loves loves loves the car business but if he had to choose a second career he should be a nurse. He has been incredible, organized, and so wonderful to me during this whole cancer process. He has been by my side helping me with every single thing from the surgery. He has not complained once and is so amazing. He jumps out of bed at 3 am to give me my meds. He walks me slow through the house so I can stretch my legs, He wakes up in hte middle of the night just to say 'Maegan, do you need anything, are you okay" even though I am sound asleep, He makes sure I am 100% comfortable before he leaves to work, and ...I'm not going to go into details but just know, I have the perfect person to spend my life with:)

I am so thankful and blessed that this surgery was not hard for me. Of course I freaked myself out the weeks leading up to surgery, but shoot! I am so happy right now and have nothing to be scared of. I think I owe much of my happiness to the pain medication and of course the good lord above.
I have a great support system who is currently waiting on me every second of the day so that also makes it way easier for me as well. I get to lounge around my house in pj's all day and cut out wedding dresses and all things weddings from magazines to start my wedding planning. Deb has brought me by tons of wedding mags to keep me busy :) If I need some ice water I just yell "MOM" or if I need a new DVD put in I say "MaMa" and she comes smiling walking up. So I am grateful she is here to help. She also cleans and cooks! Woohoo! She is also having a blast on my ipad and mom if you try to sneak it home to FL when you leave, your in big trouble!
I have two really ugly drains sticking out the sides of my chest so I have to be careful with them and I cant lift anything. I have to treat myself like I am a fragile piece of fine china. I do not feel like I am mutilated or robbed of my breasts at all. I feel happy that there is no tumor in my breast and I am on the road to being healthy! I, Maegan Murr, am 25 years old and just kicked cancers ass! This has made me a stronger women, made me look at life differently, and always counting my blessings everyday. I am madly in love with life and ready to give my whole world to the one man (ryan) that has stood by me through one of the toughest times. I thank heavinly father for helping me be strong through cancer, along with this recovery process, and blessing me with Ryan.
I have an appointment with my Breast Surgeon Dr. Canavan on Thursday to see if there were any cancer cells in my breast tissue that was removed. Then that tells me if I have to get radiation. Sooo, keep me in your prayers that no radiation is needed :)
I am off to look at all my wedding mags and begin my wedding planning :)
Fight like a Girl!-

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Ooh Life.

Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?

These past few weeks have been the hardest weeks I have had since battling cancer. I have not updated my blog because I don’t know how to put what is in my mind on paper right now.

Friday night I got a call from my little sister. When I picked up the phone she was crying. I knew something was wrong because my sister never cries. “Ronnie passed away”. My sister’s dad who has been a big part of our life passed away. I, who am the most emotional person right now, was trying not to cry as she was telling me how he passed away and how upset she was. Ronnie was 50 years old and passed all alone in a hotel room of a massive heart attack. He worked on the road all around the TX area so he spends a good amount of time in hotels because of his job. His wife Lynn had called my sister right before she called me to let her know he died.
Lauren flew to TX right away since his viewing was today and the funeral is tomorrow. Today we drove to Gatesville to attend Ronnies viewing. I prayed the whole 2 hours there to please not let me cry a lot and please let me be strong for my sister. Yeah, that did not happen. When we got out of the car I asked Ryan, “Did you cry at your grandfathers funeral?” .
“Yes I did, everyone cried”, replied Ryan. I then asked, “Did your mom cry?” I felt like if his mom cried then it was okay for me to cry. I don’t know why, I just felt that way for some reason.
As we walked in the funeral home there were pictures of Ronnie everywhere. From when he was a baby to now, with his wife Lynn and all of the family. I had to take a deep breath because I knew this was going to be hard. I had to look away as Lauren was giving Lynn a hug because I knew that it was so hard for the both of them.
I began to cry right away as I gave Lynn a hug. I was squeezing her because I was sad and I felt for her so badly. I was crying because I could not imagine the pain she is going through loosing the man she loves. Going to sleep alone at night and waking up to say good morning to Ronnie and him not being there. She is never going to see the man she loves ever again until she gets to heaven. She will not be able to pick up the phone to say I love you to him or have him hold her when she is ill or sad. It just makes me so sad.
As we said hello to everyone we walked in to where Ronnies casket was. There were beautiful flowers everywhere and still, tons of pictures of him and his life. He was such a handsome man and to know we will never see him again is so hard to believe. To me, the pictures in the picture frames and the slide show of his life were so hard to see. It is hard to loose someone you love and even harder to see pictures when you are so sad. I have only been to one other funeral in my life and it was Ronnie’s dad’s funeral when I was little. So, it was a pretty hard event to attend. In my family, I am the emotional one and my brother and sister are not. My sister only cries every now and then. So to see her cry is really hard for me. I am only used to me crying.
I stood there with Ryan beside the pews crying as my sister held a flower arrangment just staring at the casket Ronnie was in. My sister (Lauren) is a tough cookie and held her self well. I knew she wanted to cry but she was trying not too.
As I looked around I saw so many people that loved him so much. I had never met his wife Lynn and the rest of the family he left behind. I saw them upset and crying and to me, that is so hard to witness. Seeing others hurting so badly hurts me. When my best friend Katy was in labor and having contractions, I cried because I hated she was in pain. So when I saw his wife Lynn crying it hurt me because I could not imagine how she feels. I just wish life could be happy for her and Ronnie was still here.
It was a closed casket ceremony and there was an American Flag draped beautifully over his casket. I just kept thinking to myself how we would never see him again and hear his voice. Even though we would never see him or hear his voice, I could not get his face or voice out of my head. I was in a daze and I kept imagining when we were little and he would come visit us in Panama City. How we would cry when he left from FL to TX. How we never wanted him to leave. And now, How he only lived 3 hours away and why we did not visit with each other often. So many thoughts and questions were flooding my brain.
I finally stopped crying and as time went by and thinking about our childhood with Ronnie, my sister finally got the courage to walk up to his casket to say goodbye. She walked up to the casket alone and laid the flower arranmgent on the top of it, put her hands on the casket, and said goodbye. I began to cry as I saw my little sister saying goodbye to her dad. I wasn’t seeing her as a 22 year old. I saw her as a little girl saying goodbye. All I could see was the back of her as she stood there saying her goodbyes. I could hear her crying and see her hands shaking as she said goodbye. I just wanted to run up there and help her through this but I knew she needed her space with her dad for the last time in her life. I looked up above her and there was a picture of Nikos, Laurens son and my nephew, on the big screen slide show. I knew it was hard for Lauren because she wanted so badly for Ronnie to meet Nikos. She was saving her money to come to TX to introduce her son to his grandpa. That was hard for me because I see my little sister upset and I just want to make it better for her. I don’t want her to be sad but there is nothing I can do. I just kept thinking that this was a mistake and Ronnie really had not passed away. I have no idea how to handle loosing someone I love. I do not know how to let someone go. Our family has never lost someone before. It is just weird and does not feel normal. Ahh, life is hard. But, God has a reason why he brought Ronnie home. Rest In peace Ronnie, you are forever loved and missed.

Since I have not updated my blog since I got all my tests done here it is…
My MRI came back great and my cancer is .07 cm! Meaning, the size of a pen dot!
My surgery on the 4 lymphndoes went well and no lymphnodes had cancer cells in them!!
Now, I just have my mastectomy scheduled for this coming up Friday, 1/21. My mom and best friend Katy are flying in to be with me during the surgery. Katy is actually missing her daughters 5th birthday to be here. I love you Katy :)
The past 2 weeks I have been really sad about the surgery and sick with a cold. My blood counts have been down because I have been so upset about my surgery. I literally made myself sick because I would not eat or drink due to my scared to death-ness of the surgery. I am better now because I have come to terms with the surgery but I still think about how odd it is going to be to wake up and look down and not feel like myself. But, this is all part of being cancer free. And, I think about the future and how in order to have the life I want I have to get the surgery. I also think about how when I wake up from the surgery I will hopefully be cancer free! I still may have to get radiation though but I will not find out until after the surgery. This is definitely the hardest part of the cancer process so far. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since I was not able to go to work. I had to stay inside away from people since I was sick. I read a lot of scriptures over the past weeks and they helped me through this hard time. The bible gave me the courage and strength to not be sad anymore over this surgery. I am just not scared anymore. I am actually excited but a little nervous to get it over with and move on!
So, that is what has been going on here in TX. As you find yourself reading this, make sure you hug the ones you love tonight and tell them you love them.
Fight like a girl…

Monday, January 3, 2011

The world always looks brighter from behind a smile :)

Happy New Year

(Ryan and I on New Years Eve having a blast! 2011 is going to be great!)

Just a little update...

Since my last chemotherapy treatment I have been feeling AMAZING! Since Christmas Day I have been getting my energy back day by day, my some what normal happy self is back, and I am just feeling on top of the world! My hair is growing back and I started working out again and trying to get back into the groove of my normal life. Even though when my mastectomy comes I am going to have to be back to laying in bed for about 2 weeks. I won’t be able to fully function for about a month but for the meantime I am bustin’ out the moves on Xbox Kinnect “Zumba” and running my butt off at the gym! I am so happy and excited to be able to feel physically fit and happy! Thank You Heavenly Father!

This week is a very busy week for me. Tomorrow 1/4/11 I have an MRI to see if the tumor has shrunk to a small tumor or if it has completely disappeared! *Fingers crossed that it has completely disappeared* Then, on Wednesday 1/5/11 I have surgery on my lymphnodes where Dr. Canavan is going to remove many lymphnodes to see if they have cancer cells in them. I am really scared and nervous about surgery. It is freaking me out. *I have been praying extra hard that there is NO cancer is my lymphnodes!!* If there are cancer cells iin the nodes I will have to do radiation. Radiation is needed if the tumor was 4 cm or bigger and if or more than 4 lymphnodes have cancer cells. My tumor began at 3.8 cm and let’s just pray no lymphnodes are involved and the tumor has completely disappeared!
If there are cancer cells in all 4 lymphnodes and my tumor is still hanging out then that will definitely be upsetting. But the way I see it is… Oh well! Just one extra long step to kick this cancers butt.
Then Thursday 1/6/11 I have an appt with Dr. Canavan to go over all the results of the MRI and surgery! I have not got an appt with Dr.Canavan for the double mastectomy yet but hopefully it will be at the end of January or beginning of February. I did have dates for all this surgery stuff but Dr. Canavan had to change it all up. Once I am healed from the mastectomy and my spacers begin to be filled I am going to start wedding planning! Hope everyone is having a great start to the New Year! I sure am!! And I have a great feeling that 2011 is going to be wonderful!
Fight like a girl..

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Smitten :)

(I am all puffy from my last and final chemo. Oh and the steroids and crying...but I am happy as can

Laying in bed looking at the clock it reads “12:56 am” I can’t sleep. Because I keep thinking about how Ryan proposed. Everything he said replaying in my head over and over. His face, his giant smile, the fish camp all lit up with candles, and me crying happy tears the whole time while he was confessing his love for me earlier that evening. I am so happy that finally I can’t sleep not because steroids or sickness in my body, but because I can’t stop thinking about being ENGAGED to my love!!!!

This morning I woke up the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I woke up 30 minutes early so I could sit and stare at my ring. And you better believe when the alarm went off at 7:30 am I jumped out of bed and ran to my gorgeous ring. I sat on my stool in the bathroom and stared at my bling bling for 30 minutes. It was awesome.
So, I am engaged! I am engaged! Holy cow ya’ll! This is nuts. For once in the last 4 months I have not been thinking about having cancer and have been thinking about this rock on my finger and the amazing man who put it there. I am in a complete state of happiness and am engaged to a perfect man! The proposal was perfect, the ring is perfect, and the man who has stolen my heart is perfect! I wanted to update my blog on something besides cancer for once. So, I will tell you guys the story of “us”. Enjoy _

“Hey, you gotta meet this dude I work with. He has no friends and has no one to hang out with. He moved here from TX and hates it here”- Chris Morrison
“Okay! I will be his friend!! I love making friends” - Maegan Murr

And that is where our love began! On the beautiful beaches of Panama City Beach, Florida (My hometown). We spent the wonderful summer getting to know each other on the beach every day in the sunshine and every night under the stars. Our life on getting to know each other and how our love began pretty much was out of a Nicholas Sparks Novel (The Notebook, Nights in Rodanthe). Haha Just kidding. But, no really it was.

Then Ryan had to move back to TX. He came to PCB to work and he was moving back to Dallas. So, with that being said, I tagged along! Actually to be exact and specific it went a long the lines of this….

“Well, I have to move back to TX”- Ryan
“Ahh! Really? What! Man that bites!”- Maegan
“Yeah…,” (in a very calm and collective voice)- Ryan
“Well, I am not having a long distance relationship because they never work out and they are lame, but I do love you”(in a sassy tone)- Maegan
“Okay so move with me”- Ryan
“Okay! Sounds good”- Maegan

And that was 5 years ago. We are still living the life of a romance novel and happier than ever! I am not going to spill all the beans on us because that has to wait until the engagement shindigs but I will tell you that I am the luckiest woman alive! The past 4 months have been complete madness and Ryan has been there for me every step of the way. I feel like I have been trapped in a freakin’ nightmare and Ryan has continued to comfort me and assure me everyday we are going to survive this. He brings so much happiness and joy to me everyday, especially when I am sick. When I lay there in bed crying and saying I cant do this anymore he is the one who picks up all the pieces and puts me back together. He is the reason I smile everyday and I am seen rarely with a frown. I couldn’t imagine going through cancer without him. I couldn’t imagine going through life without him. We have been together a long time and just within the past 4 months we have learned so much about each other. Qualities were brought out that I never knew I had and he never knew he had. It has made us stronger together than we have ever been. He listens to me complain about having no hair and looking like an alien. He sees past the bald me and sees a beautiful woman, which I do not see how- but he does. I barley have eyebrows and he still tells me everyday how I look like a million bucks. I could go on about him all day- SO, we are engaged!!! This is the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I have the man of my dreams, my hair is growing back, I am getting healthier by the day, and I am getting new big boobs! Not to mention, last time I went to see Dr. Canavan she said it felt like only scar tissue where my tumor once was. 3.8 cm of tumor now scar tissue! Chemotherapy busted out a can of whoop ass on this tumor! Which, it better have because those past 4 months were insane. I have a MRI on January 10 to see if the tumor is gone and then from there I get ready for the double mastectomy! YAY! 2011 is going to be a great year! Here are some pictures of my gorgeous ring, where Ryan proposed, and my hair growing back! Fight like a Girl…