Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Sick Of Fighting

Brace yo’ self:
I hate this, I hate this, I freakin’ hate this. It has taken everything from me to update my blog because I really do not want too. I am so tired of having cancer, being sick, not being able to workout, seeing the color pink, talking about Breast Cancer, and thinking I am only 25 what the hell!! I am tired of being positive and tired of being strong when I feel like I have been hit by a bus and stricken with a crazy flu all at the same time. I just want to lie in my bed, scream into the pillow, and chug a beer. I normally hate beer but I have not had a drink in 3 months. I am not a big drinker but I just want a damn beer. I am not a depressed, negative, unhappy person and I am by no means giving up or becoming weak, I am just tired of feeling horrible. So I am letting my wonderful support system take this from me and be strong for me. I went so long without crying and being sad but now is my time to be sad and just let my loved ones catch me as I am falling. So for now- You may not get very many updates on my blog. I am a little tired at the moment. I will when I am feeling better but for the next few weeks you will have to call or email if you want an update on me :)

But just to let you in on what has been going on in the life of a Cancer patient…
1.My last treatment of the red devil is on Monday 10/11. It should get easier after this treatment. Unfortunately, I have one more week of pure hell. And no even though it is my last treatment of this poison I am not excited. At all.
2.My second set of 4 treatments are called “Taxol” and are supposed to be easier. With side effects being body aches instead of nausea! Yay! I will take body aches over wanting to puke any day.
3.I have been seeing plastic surgeons to discuss double mastectomies. My feelings on this: It is overwhelming and makes me cry. Especially when you google “Double mastectomies” at 3 am. CAUTION! Don’t do it, it will make you scream then have nightmares. Luckily, the pictures I saw were from the 1930’s not 2010. Thankfully, there are amazing surgeons now who can put boobs back together. Since one of these bad boys is trying to kill me you better believe I am getting both these cut off! Big ol’ boobies here I come!
4.My tumor is SHRINKING!!!! I can barley feel it! It once was a ping pong ball chillin’ in my boob, now it is like a little thumb tack just hangin out, ya know being a pain in the ass.
5.I start school back next week! I took a 60 day leave and was ready to go back by day 3. I am ready to get back to studying. I have missed my Psychology.
6.The Susan G Koman race is coming up and I will post pictures and all that jazz from the race!! Although I can not walk it, I will be there in spirit.

Till next time... Fight like a Girl


  1. Maegan, thank you for your blog! Tita Nancy showed it to me. It has been a real gift.

    I just had a double mastectomy and am glad I did it. I have two friends who had a single mastectomy and now wish they had opted to go for a double. I will start my chemo next week so I will be going through what you have been going through for the past several months.

    Please know that I find strength and validation in your words. Tita Nancy said she would introduce us someday...we will just have to find a time where we are both nausea free, pain free and can stay awake! My wild chemo ride will begin soon as yours is ending.

    All my best wishes to you,

  2. Hey GiGi!
    I just realized I could comment on my own blog!
    Please email me - mmurr23@yahoo.com if you have any questions going into chemo. I can give you a lot of tips too on chemo. I would love to talk to you.