First off. I really want a snuggie. Not just any snuggie, a NAP snuggie!! They are just so convenient. 2ndly, Ryan makes the best chicken noodle soup and so far is a great Nurse. Nurse Ryan is his new name.
Chemo sucks. Not the actual sitting in the room getting the chemo treatment but the gosh dang side effects!! I am on two strong treatments for 4 treatments known as “AC”. Then I have 4 more treatments on a different drug. The side effects of these two treatments are as listed: Be warned, they are not pretty. Luckily I am suffering at this moment from only two!
1. Nausea. Not just your average nausea, extreme freakin’ nausea. Nausea that comes with hot flashes and throwing up in your mouth but you have to swallow it because if you start barfing there is no end to the barfing. Sorry, it is gross but it is the truth! Nausea= hell. So far my nausea meds are working but last night I did not take any so this morning I was going nuts with nausea. Luckily Ice chips saved me along with the meds once they kicked in.
2. Extreme Fatigue and headache. I am only slightly fatigued today. Yay!
3. Not being able to have babies. This one- I just keep praying that God will give me the ability to have children in the future.
4. Mouth Sores. No mouth sores at this moment, Woohoo!
5. I can become easily infected. So I have to watch what I touch (knives, stove tops, hair straighter), can’t kiss my animals, and have to stay away from sick people. BOO this side effect is lame.
6. I am not listing anymore because they are disgusting but I do not have any of the other side effects! If you really want to know- call me.
Yesterday was my first treatment. I was really nervous at the beginning of the day but I was excited to get the ball rolling and get some chemo in my system to get rid of this cancer! Dr. Kovoor went over everything with Ryan, Deb, and I. He let me know a ton of info along with all the side effects, that he can not promise me I will never get cancer again, and even said a prayer with us before I started treatment. Once I went into the infusion room I sat down in my comfy lazy boy chair. Rene surprised me with a ipad! So I had an iPad to kill time. Unfortunately, I had to wait to get home to hook up my iPad. But YAY I got an ipad. Now I do not have to share with Ryan!! Thanks for the great gift Rene! :) Anyway, it was pretty easy. They hooked the chemo up to my port in my chest and it was over with in about 1 in a half hours. I was like heck yeah, this is awesome if I am always going to be feeling great at the end of my treatment!
It was not until this morning it all went down hill. Ryan kissed me on the forehead, asked me if I needed him to stay, I said no I was good, then he left. I guess it was better for him to leave than to stay here and watch me suffer. I jumped out of bed at 9am ready to puke. But I knew I couldn’t so I made the mistake by chugging 2 bottles of water, chugging a instant breakfast, and taking my cocktail of drugs. Since everything went down so fast my body was like “AHHH WHAT!” and made me nauseous 20 x more. I sat on the bed, read some scriptures, couldn’t read because that made me want to puke too so I just prayed. Then I started to cry like a baby and thought “Maegan, stop. You can do this stay strong and fight this.” So my 5 seconds of tears quickly became hatred towards cancer. I imagine cancer being a blob of those really gross chocolate cake doughnuts. Ew I don’t like those- so in my mind cancer is a blob of cake doughnuts. And I sucked up the pain, nausea, and occasion barfing in my mouth and HAVING to swallow it (sorry its gross but hey, it happens). I can not throw up because if I do the doc said I wont stop. So I have decided if anything comes up, it’s going right back where it came from. Unless I cant handle it. EWWW I know it’s gross! Sorry, Sorry no more of that talk!
All I can do now is sit and take my medicine on time. And eat. And yes I have been eating! It has been forced down my mouth. Even though everything sounds sick to me, I am just sucking it up. Because that is what my body needs to stay healthy.
Although this is a crazy unfortunate event in my life. I kind of feel in a way thankful for it. It has made me open my eyes to what is important in my life. I was always rushing to get things done. Before becoming diagnosed 2 weeks ago with Stage 2 Triple Negative (Meaning my cancer does not feed off of Hormones or Estrogen and something else, I forgot) I was in school full time with all A’s (3.8 GPA yes I am smart) getting ready to soon graduate, working out 5x a week with a happily gained 4 pack, a proud volunteer for Big Brothers Big Sisters, and had a full time job. I was go, go, go. I never really took a deep breath to just stop and smell the Texas Blue Bonnets. DO they even have a smell? Anyway, since this diagnoses, I feel like I look at life differently. I feel more of a confident Woman. To stop rushing. School will be here when I get better- so I took a leave of absence. I have certainly never taken Ryan for granted but as of late I have made sure he knows how much I appreciate him. Just by the little things I say or do. He is my rock and if it was not for him I may be having a mental breakdown right now. Ryan and I never argue anyway but if something comes up, I am just like whatever- let it be! There is no reason to become upset with the one you love. Unless it is really bad but I am fortunate to be in a healthy strong relationship. I feel like God is like “Maegan, hello, I am here, talk to me, put all of your troubles on me, I will get you through this.” I am a spiritual person to begin with but now my faith has kind of lifted me up and I feel that with every step I take God is right beside me. Through the bad times like this morning to the good times. Along with these things mentioned, I feel a lot more confident in myself. Even though I am going to be bald, eyebrow less, boobless… I still feel like my heart and my soul shines brighter than my physical self. That may sound really weird but I truly think the outside does not matter. It is what is on the inside that counts. Like dragon fruit. The outside sucks but the inside is awesome! So with all of this being said, I am thankful that I had a sucker punch hit me in the face. It has made me patient, and be more thankful for the wonderful people in my life that are wiling to bend over backwards for me. For the little things people do for me and the BIG things people do for me really touch my heart. So, Thank you Heavenly Father for waking me up :) Till next time… Fight like a Girl!