This Freakin' Sucks.
I heard a quote today that I would like to share: Cancer is a gift.
Okay one, hell no. Hell no is cancer a gift. It is more like a freakin’ curse. Whoever is the originator behind this awful quote needs to be punched in the face. Because it is a horrible quote. Cancer is a gift my as$. Enough potty mouth. Sorry.
This is going to be a heartbreaking blog entry. Well, for me at least. Kind of on the lines of hatred and pure meanness. I am mad and frustrated with feeling like pure shat.
I have held my spirits pretty high and have had a good outlook so far on my cancer. Yeah well, not lately. I have been in extreme sadness over here on Snowshill Trail. The one thing my Guru doctor told me was to “Maintain a normal life with cancer” Okay dude, let me see you try to maintain a normal life. Taking lord knows how many medications with tons of side effects and trying to have a normal life. “Maegan, you need to go to work everyday and try to exercise daily”. WHAT are you joking me, you try going to work sick as hell and then going to the gym. Yeah, not happening! I have been cooped up in my house for approximately one week and it has completely ruined my outlook on cancer so far. If I sit here and stare at the TV any more I am going to go nuts. Can you tell?? If this is what it is going to be like for the next 4 months, please spare me and just go ahead and take my life. I have never been a lazy person and I feel like all I do is sleep and cry. Because I have been so utterly sick I cannot do much of anything. I guess it is all a part of figuring this whole cancer thing out. Figuring out how my body is on chemo and how my body is on all these gross drugs they are putting me on. I have tried to go to work but have left early because I cannot see anything. I go to work, sit, do a few things, get pissed at myself because the steroids I am taking make me unable to see, and I go home and cry. Then I want to barf because the nausea makes me miserable. I literally have cried about 50 times in 3 days. And that is a lot for someone who does not cry often. It is not “Why me, why me, poor pitiful me” tears either. It is “Why the hell cant I see and why am I so damn week”!!! I have called my best friend Katy crying hysterically for help. Help, like she can help me see and not be nauseas anymore. Although, she is a champ and talks me through my sadness, so kudos Katy for making my spirits a tad bit brighter. And to mom I love you so much for deciphering what I am crying over the phone through my crazy tears. Sorry, I know I am freaking you out :)
Today I had the opportunity to get out of this house and go sit on the lake with my amazing boyfriend, Nurse Ryan, and our good buddy Austin. I sat in the shade on the boat and just soaked up the fresh air. I let the air flow through my nose and out through my mouth. It was so peaceful and so calming I started crying. I am a dang emotional wreck! I just thought for 5 seconds what it would be like to be normal. To feel good from my head to my toes. What it is like to have a peaceful feeling and not have to worry about being sick. Ugh and the tears came a flowin’. Then as we were leaving the lake there were two little kids swimming beside our boat slip. It reminded me of myself, my brother, and little sister swimming on our Grandpa Jacks boat when we were little. I just watched these little kids swim and play and have so much fun, I wished I was little again and could have no worries like them. I wish that I could go back and time and do whatever possible to change the path of this cancer. Was it too much Teflon I ate? Ya know from the pans.. or was it the dirty Mississippi water I drank? Or was it that I was such a butt hole to people in High School? Whatever it is I am sorry for doing it. Just make it go away. I know there is no good in saying I wish, I wish ,I wish, but I really do wish right now that I was out with my friends hanging out dancing, not sitting at home feeling miserable. I guess I need to look at the bright side. I have gotten several awesome books (Thanks Taylor and Amanda) and have gotten an awesome Burberry Turban along with other cute turbans from good friends. I have gotten a ton of cookies although I am not able to eat them because I am easily acceptable to cavities (Enjoy the cookies Caleb!). I have felt the warmth and love from so may people from all around. With all of this madness being said, I hope this week brings a positive light and I am able to go on and enjoy my life. I hope I am able to hold my head high and get through these hard days of figuring out “me” on chemo. I just want to say, as you go through your daily lives, be happy you are healthy. Be happy you have only a back ache and not cancer. Be thankful to the good lord that you are able to wake up and face the day in good health. Pray often it is good for the soul.
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.