Chemotherapy starts in officially 1 week. And ladies and gent’s… I want to barf. It is making me sick to my stomach to think about it. I have not been sleeping and eating well for the past 3 days because I have been so nervous. I have been blaming partially the weight loss and fatigue on the cancer... but I think a good bit of it has to do with me not chowing down. Oops.
Heavenly father has been hearing from me every 10 minutes. I have been asking him to give me the strength to get through the first session without throwing up or crying. Lately, I have been a mega cry baby. I mean, today on the radio I heard “I Can Love You Like That” by none only than All-4-One and I started crying. I guess I was thinking about my hair and how I love it. But, that is a sad song in general so if you are not crying when you hear that song you are crazy! (Hopefully by now everyone knows my personality and sense of humor, I am only joking about it being a sad song). The only thing I am excited about for next Monday is that I get to wear these cool pins my mom got me. I am going to wear one that says “The Nurses favorite”. Heck yeah, I am!
Yesterday Ryan and I went to two of our friends (Ben and Crystal) children’s baptism. I felt like I was in a movie. We walked in to this cute tiny little white church and there are people clapping, tambourine’n it up, and just praising the lord so enthusiastically. I was like dang this is awesome. But, everything was in Spanish. It was still awesome to see people singing in Spanish really excited and happy! Of course, me being in this emotional craze right now, I was so happy that I got a wii bit choked up. Ryan, who thinks I am in extreme pain and super worried… is like “Maegan are you okay, what do you need” and I am like “No, Ryan I just really love this and am happy to be here”. After the children were baptized I was called to the front of the church to be prayed for. Ben told his family about my health right now and his father being the preacher asked me to come to the front, in Spanish. But there was an interpreter (Ben’s brother) so I knew he was talking to me :) As I am walking up to the front I was having convolutions (not really I was just trembling a little) I felt like I was going to pass out due to my nervousness. I began to cry as I was walking to the front. Not because I am sad, I am just thankful. I was holding Ben’s hand squeezing the bleep out of it. Or at least, that is what I felt like. The preacher was speaking to me telling the church members what was going on… Me, still being a weenie was crying. FYI people, I try to think about stuff that makes me not want to cry. Like Jacob Black from Twilight letting me ride on his werewolf back through the forest. But unfortunately, I was riding on Jacob’s back crying. Anyway, I am standing up at the front with Ben and these sweet women come up to me and place their hands on my shoulders, back, stomach, everywhere. I am like, covered with little hands. The second they put their hands on me I am 100% calm. I mean I literally stopped crying and shaking. And if you know me, that is not normal when I am in church and someone is praying for me. I normally cry like a baby. I was able to listen to the whole prayer Ben’s dad was saying and Ben’s brother (the interpreter) was repeating. The second I stopped crying these sweet women began to cry, shake, and pray their own prayers really loud. I mean, they were seriously not playing around. They were crying really loud. I honestly felt like my emotions were flowing through me and off to them. It was like they were taking my sadness and letting it out for me. Giving me a break from being so upset. It was such an awesome experience. And the whole time I could feel heavenly father standing there with me. I grew up with strong beliefs in my faith and Jesus always in my heart. To me, no matter which church I am in, I can feel the spirit. God is everywhere you are. Of course, not if you are sinning but if you are in the grocery store on the pasta isle, you better believe he is right there with you. He is with me everywhere I go. He was with me in the church when Ben’s dad was praying for me along with the rest of the church. He allowed me 5 min of peace and not to worry. He let these little ladies cry for me. Call me crazy, but that is what I think. It was pretty awesome.
Today happens to be my Birthday. Thank you mom for birthing me. I really appreciate it! I have received many sweet gifts from people all around. Thanks everyone!! And thanks for all the birthday wishes! I also received a... RING from Ryan!!!! Oh, don’t get all excited everyone; it is not an engagement ring! But it is a beautiful ring. In size 5! I wear size 7. BUT it was not Ryan’s fault. The salesman gave Ryan the wrong ring and the wrong size! Even though it is a gorgeous ring, the salesman put the wrong one in the bag.
I also picked up 2 wigs today!! I got a short sassy brown one and an auburn one! Next, a blonde one. So, I am going to be stylin’ in all my many color wigs! Watch out TeXaS!! I am getting my hair cut pretty short this weekend. Probably up to my jaw line. I need to prepare myself for when I get my “G.I. Jane” hair doo. The less to shave off is better! I in a way am kind excited to shave my noggin. To me, I am saying “Bring it on Cancer, gimmie all ya got”. I may be eating those words when I am sitting in the chair getting my head shaved, but right now... I like the way I am talking crap to cancer.
One last thing… Mamma Tiner’ (my mom) leaves in 3 days. Mom, I don’t want you to leave. I know you will be back but it was nice having you here for a while :) If you are reading this mom, I miss you already. Thank you for being strong when I cried many times over all of this. I know it is hard for you to see your little girl crying because she has cancer. But, you make me feel like I am going to be fine. It reminds me when I was little when I was sick. I would crawl in bed with you and just your love would make me feel better. Thank you for loving me so much and never giving up on me all those years when I gave you hell. I think you are perfect in every way and I thank Heavenly Father everyday he gave me a beautiful, passionate, amazing mom like you. If it was not for you, I would not be the person I am today. Again, thanks for birthin’ me tinner!
Happy Birthday to me.. and... Fight like a girl :)