Why does it take a minute to say hello and forever to say goodbye?
These past few weeks have been the hardest weeks I have had since battling cancer. I have not updated my blog because I don’t know how to put what is in my mind on paper right now.
Friday night I got a call from my little sister. When I picked up the phone she was crying. I knew something was wrong because my sister never cries. “Ronnie passed away”. My sister’s dad who has been a big part of our life passed away. I, who am the most emotional person right now, was trying not to cry as she was telling me how he passed away and how upset she was. Ronnie was 50 years old and passed all alone in a hotel room of a massive heart attack. He worked on the road all around the TX area so he spends a good amount of time in hotels because of his job. His wife Lynn had called my sister right before she called me to let her know he died.
Lauren flew to TX right away since his viewing was today and the funeral is tomorrow. Today we drove to Gatesville to attend Ronnies viewing. I prayed the whole 2 hours there to please not let me cry a lot and please let me be strong for my sister. Yeah, that did not happen. When we got out of the car I asked Ryan, “Did you cry at your grandfathers funeral?” .
“Yes I did, everyone cried”, replied Ryan. I then asked, “Did your mom cry?” I felt like if his mom cried then it was okay for me to cry. I don’t know why, I just felt that way for some reason.
As we walked in the funeral home there were pictures of Ronnie everywhere. From when he was a baby to now, with his wife Lynn and all of the family. I had to take a deep breath because I knew this was going to be hard. I had to look away as Lauren was giving Lynn a hug because I knew that it was so hard for the both of them.
I began to cry right away as I gave Lynn a hug. I was squeezing her because I was sad and I felt for her so badly. I was crying because I could not imagine the pain she is going through loosing the man she loves. Going to sleep alone at night and waking up to say good morning to Ronnie and him not being there. She is never going to see the man she loves ever again until she gets to heaven. She will not be able to pick up the phone to say I love you to him or have him hold her when she is ill or sad. It just makes me so sad.
As we said hello to everyone we walked in to where Ronnies casket was. There were beautiful flowers everywhere and still, tons of pictures of him and his life. He was such a handsome man and to know we will never see him again is so hard to believe. To me, the pictures in the picture frames and the slide show of his life were so hard to see. It is hard to loose someone you love and even harder to see pictures when you are so sad. I have only been to one other funeral in my life and it was Ronnie’s dad’s funeral when I was little. So, it was a pretty hard event to attend. In my family, I am the emotional one and my brother and sister are not. My sister only cries every now and then. So to see her cry is really hard for me. I am only used to me crying.
I stood there with Ryan beside the pews crying as my sister held a flower arrangment just staring at the casket Ronnie was in. My sister (Lauren) is a tough cookie and held her self well. I knew she wanted to cry but she was trying not too.
As I looked around I saw so many people that loved him so much. I had never met his wife Lynn and the rest of the family he left behind. I saw them upset and crying and to me, that is so hard to witness. Seeing others hurting so badly hurts me. When my best friend Katy was in labor and having contractions, I cried because I hated she was in pain. So when I saw his wife Lynn crying it hurt me because I could not imagine how she feels. I just wish life could be happy for her and Ronnie was still here.
It was a closed casket ceremony and there was an American Flag draped beautifully over his casket. I just kept thinking to myself how we would never see him again and hear his voice. Even though we would never see him or hear his voice, I could not get his face or voice out of my head. I was in a daze and I kept imagining when we were little and he would come visit us in Panama City. How we would cry when he left from FL to TX. How we never wanted him to leave. And now, How he only lived 3 hours away and why we did not visit with each other often. So many thoughts and questions were flooding my brain.
I finally stopped crying and as time went by and thinking about our childhood with Ronnie, my sister finally got the courage to walk up to his casket to say goodbye. She walked up to the casket alone and laid the flower arranmgent on the top of it, put her hands on the casket, and said goodbye. I began to cry as I saw my little sister saying goodbye to her dad. I wasn’t seeing her as a 22 year old. I saw her as a little girl saying goodbye. All I could see was the back of her as she stood there saying her goodbyes. I could hear her crying and see her hands shaking as she said goodbye. I just wanted to run up there and help her through this but I knew she needed her space with her dad for the last time in her life. I looked up above her and there was a picture of Nikos, Laurens son and my nephew, on the big screen slide show. I knew it was hard for Lauren because she wanted so badly for Ronnie to meet Nikos. She was saving her money to come to TX to introduce her son to his grandpa. That was hard for me because I see my little sister upset and I just want to make it better for her. I don’t want her to be sad but there is nothing I can do. I just kept thinking that this was a mistake and Ronnie really had not passed away. I have no idea how to handle loosing someone I love. I do not know how to let someone go. Our family has never lost someone before. It is just weird and does not feel normal. Ahh, life is hard. But, God has a reason why he brought Ronnie home. Rest In peace Ronnie, you are forever loved and missed.
Since I have not updated my blog since I got all my tests done here it is…
My MRI came back great and my cancer is .07 cm! Meaning, the size of a pen dot!
My surgery on the 4 lymphndoes went well and no lymphnodes had cancer cells in them!!
Now, I just have my mastectomy scheduled for this coming up Friday, 1/21. My mom and best friend Katy are flying in to be with me during the surgery. Katy is actually missing her daughters 5th birthday to be here. I love you Katy :)
The past 2 weeks I have been really sad about the surgery and sick with a cold. My blood counts have been down because I have been so upset about my surgery. I literally made myself sick because I would not eat or drink due to my scared to death-ness of the surgery. I am better now because I have come to terms with the surgery but I still think about how odd it is going to be to wake up and look down and not feel like myself. But, this is all part of being cancer free. And, I think about the future and how in order to have the life I want I have to get the surgery. I also think about how when I wake up from the surgery I will hopefully be cancer free! I still may have to get radiation though but I will not find out until after the surgery. This is definitely the hardest part of the cancer process so far. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately since I was not able to go to work. I had to stay inside away from people since I was sick. I read a lot of scriptures over the past weeks and they helped me through this hard time. The bible gave me the courage and strength to not be sad anymore over this surgery. I am just not scared anymore. I am actually excited but a little nervous to get it over with and move on!
So, that is what has been going on here in TX. As you find yourself reading this, make sure you hug the ones you love tonight and tell them you love them.
Fight like a girl…