Smitten :)

(I am all puffy from my last and final chemo. Oh and the steroids and crying...but I am happy as can
be)

Laying in bed looking at the clock it reads “12:56 am” I can’t sleep. Because I keep thinking about how Ryan proposed. Everything he said replaying in my head over and over. His face, his giant smile, the fish camp all lit up with candles, and me crying happy tears the whole time while he was confessing his love for me earlier that evening. I am so happy that finally I can’t sleep not because steroids or sickness in my body, but because I can’t stop thinking about being ENGAGED to my love!!!!

This morning I woke up the happiest I have ever been in my entire life. I woke up 30 minutes early so I could sit and stare at my ring. And you better believe when the alarm went off at 7:30 am I jumped out of bed and ran to my gorgeous ring. I sat on my stool in the bathroom and stared at my bling bling for 30 minutes. It was awesome.
So, I am engaged! I am engaged! Holy cow ya’ll! This is nuts. For once in the last 4 months I have not been thinking about having cancer and have been thinking about this rock on my finger and the amazing man who put it there. I am in a complete state of happiness and am engaged to a perfect man! The proposal was perfect, the ring is perfect, and the man who has stolen my heart is perfect! I wanted to update my blog on something besides cancer for once. So, I will tell you guys the story of “us”. Enjoy _

“Hey, you gotta meet this dude I work with. He has no friends and has no one to hang out with. He moved here from TX and hates it here”- Chris Morrison
“Okay! I will be his friend!! I love making friends” - Maegan Murr

And that is where our love began! On the beautiful beaches of Panama City Beach, Florida (My hometown). We spent the wonderful summer getting to know each other on the beach every day in the sunshine and every night under the stars. Our life on getting to know each other and how our love began pretty much was out of a Nicholas Sparks Novel (The Notebook, Nights in Rodanthe). Haha Just kidding. But, no really it was.

Then Ryan had to move back to TX. He came to PCB to work and he was moving back to Dallas. So, with that being said, I tagged along! Actually to be exact and specific it went a long the lines of this….

“Well, I have to move back to TX”- Ryan
“Ahh! Really? What! Man that bites!”- Maegan
“Yeah…,” (in a very calm and collective voice)- Ryan
“Well, I am not having a long distance relationship because they never work out and they are lame, but I do love you”(in a sassy tone)- Maegan
“Okay so move with me”- Ryan
“Okay! Sounds good”- Maegan

And that was 5 years ago. We are still living the life of a romance novel and happier than ever! I am not going to spill all the beans on us because that has to wait until the engagement shindigs but I will tell you that I am the luckiest woman alive! The past 4 months have been complete madness and Ryan has been there for me every step of the way. I feel like I have been trapped in a freakin’ nightmare and Ryan has continued to comfort me and assure me everyday we are going to survive this. He brings so much happiness and joy to me everyday, especially when I am sick. When I lay there in bed crying and saying I cant do this anymore he is the one who picks up all the pieces and puts me back together. He is the reason I smile everyday and I am seen rarely with a frown. I couldn’t imagine going through cancer without him. I couldn’t imagine going through life without him. We have been together a long time and just within the past 4 months we have learned so much about each other. Qualities were brought out that I never knew I had and he never knew he had. It has made us stronger together than we have ever been. He listens to me complain about having no hair and looking like an alien. He sees past the bald me and sees a beautiful woman, which I do not see how- but he does. I barley have eyebrows and he still tells me everyday how I look like a million bucks. I could go on about him all day- SO, we are engaged!!! This is the happiest I have ever been in my whole life. I have the man of my dreams, my hair is growing back, I am getting healthier by the day, and I am getting new big boobs! Not to mention, last time I went to see Dr. Canavan she said it felt like only scar tissue where my tumor once was. 3.8 cm of tumor now scar tissue! Chemotherapy busted out a can of whoop ass on this tumor! Which, it better have because those past 4 months were insane. I have a MRI on January 10 to see if the tumor is gone and then from there I get ready for the double mastectomy! YAY! 2011 is going to be a great year! Here are some pictures of my gorgeous ring, where Ryan proposed, and my hair growing back! Fight like a Girl…

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.

It’s December! December! I want to sing it from the rooftops! DECEMBER! One more chemo treatment for me and I am a free bird. I am so happy that I could cry! It’s hard to think about without getting all-emotional because I am not going to feel like poop anymore! I am going to have my health back and be free of pain!! I will be able to really feel what it is like to be a healthy 25 year old women! Heck yeah this is great!

But, I will go ahead and give you a little sneak peak into the life of Maegan Murr and tell you what I have been going through for the past 6 days… Well, I am on steroids so I eat like a maniac and love every second of it. BUT, the chemo makes my tongue feel swollen and my teeth feel like if I bite down they will break. It feels like I was kicked in the ribs, lower back, hips, shoulder blades, and chest. My eyelids and eyeballs hurt and... Okay, so you get it… every joint and muscle in my body is hurting. But, my friends, I am not nauseous and not barfing so I am happy! I may have horrible acid reflux, can’t sleep because the pain is horrendous, but I am not hanging by the toilet all night so I am one happy gal! And, my hair is growing back AND my eyebrows are beginning to fill back in!! Yay!

This 7th chemo treatment has been a little easier than the last 6 because I have not gone to the doctor once for problems! I have followed the rules this time and have taken it easy (No shopping and just being lazy on the couch) and have been drinking my water like a fish! The only part I have been a rebel on is stopping my steroids early. WHAT! Come on! You would too if you ate 4 bowls of sinigang and a GIANT bowl of rice! So, stopping the steroids has made my little ol’ body hurt even worse. But it is okay because I should be feeling better soon. So ya know what that means… onward and upward and taken my ibuprofen 800mg round the clock!

Aug 13, 2010 is the day I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Looking back on one of the stupidest day in History, (Sorry Katy I know it is your anniversary but that day really does bite) I think to myself, Damn, life is freakin nuts. One day I am a health nut working out, enjoying life, having no worries and the next day I am gobbling down carbs, having waves of hot flashes, and laying on the cold floor crying feuding with God asking why. Some days were easier than others and I asked God “why me” only a few times. There is not a reason why. It just happened. After Reading my scriptures and praying led me to the reason of: Shit happens. This stupid cancer is in my poor boob because it just is. God is not up in heaven laughing thinking “Ha-ha poor girl has to have cancer”. HE is saying “Maegan you can do this, you were put on this earth to be an example and through me anything is possible”. I mean ya know it bites to have cancer but God has held my hand and lifted me up this whole time. Without him, I would be mentally and physically sick.

Since the day I was diagnosed I see how I have changed. I feel like I have developed into a different person. One, I get to say “Hey, I have had cancer at 24, have you?” Two, I am patient and have slowed my life down. I see everything I should be thankful for and cherish all the people in my life. I take time to listen instead of rushing through conversations. When you feel like you are about to die, you just get this whole new outlook. One thing I am extremely grateful for is not worrying as much. I used to care so much what people thought of me. I was constantly worrying. Especially when it came to friendships and loved ones. It feels like weight has been lifted off my shoulders and life is easier. Taking one day at a time and taking time to breathe is great!
One more chemo treatment to go! December 16!
January 12 is my surgery to see if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes and January 17 is my mastectomy date. Then life just gets easier from there. Fight like a girl!

Oh! Check out these videos I did for work (Nana.. this is for you)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i7SJGVVy4Ek
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DLVpk9a3TfM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JQ_p5faYQ8&feature=player_embedded#!

Here is a link to pictures of when my family visited TX for Thanksgiving
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=571390&id=669565576&l=c6c4cb9aa8

People Say the Darndest Things!

I would like to take a moment to say thank you to all the people in the world that seem to never have the right things to say.
To a doctor misdiagnosing me and saying “Yeah, that is not cancer, you’re too young and if it was you would die a gruesome death!” Thanks Doc, so sweet of you to share those uplifting words with me!
To the guy at work that told me “Cancer can’t make you THAT sick” to the Market Street employee who asked me “WOW, Is it really cold out side is that why you are wearing a scarf on your head?” (It was high 70’s, I have very little eyebrows, and he was being a smart ass. Very obvious I have something wrong with me) to the little lady at the deli “Eww, you have cancer, that sucks, my mom died from that” and not to mention a name but it rimes with FIN “AHH, your head is REALLY really white and your pale!” Um no sh#t- my noggin has been under hair for 25 years and I pretty much am allergic to the sun right now. Lastly, to you- you know who you are “So you must have gained weight because you’re looking really big”. I have gained 5 pounds, thank you very much.
Thank you! Thank you for making me laugh. Not with you but at you. And it is even funnier to me because half the time I get these weird comments the people do not even realize they stuck their foot in their mouth. So they are dead serious when they are saying the wrong things. I really feel bad for their significant others. Good thing I have a sense of humor and can laugh or I would never leave the house.

I wanted to post a picture of me with zero makeup and all fresh and clean clean with a bald head, what little eyebrows I have left, and no eyelashes. I am pretty sickly looking. BUT do not let the sick cancery look fool you, I am still same ol’ happy me in the inside, just a tad bit sad. I looked at this picture of me last night with my mom and almost started crying. I held back my tears because I realized- Hey, this is you. You are going through something terrible but still hold a happy attitude. So, don’t cry Maegan, be happy for having a happy spirit. It sunk in that I AM sick. I have freakin’ cancer. I am bald, missing eyebrows, NO eyelashes, and no sunshine on my skin. I am sure people are going to think I am crazy for putting this picture on here but I don’t care. I want everyone to see what chemo/cancer has done to me. I do not look like me. I look like a sick cancer patient, which I am. But I am still happy as can be and making the best of this stupid situation. Plus, I get to show my love for this great country! What is the National Bird of America? The BALD eagle! Not the 'Long Locks of Hair' eagle. I am way better at running now because the sweat rolls of my head and I am aerodynamic making me run faster and a lot quicker when I want to juke people out. Look at Michael Jordan, he is bald and a bad ass. Just like me! Since being awesome is not an act, it is a way of life-I obviously show how awesome I am with being different than others with a bald head, thinning eyebrows, and no eyelashes. When was the last time you walked into a store and saw a chick with absolutely NO hair? Yeah, never. Until you run into me! Pretty awesome.
People may be jealous of my bald head and my 0 tan lines. Since I am ex-nayed from the sun, I have a uniform tan line that extends to the top of my head. Making me all one color, which is white. I am sure if you shaved your head, you would have funky tan lines.





2 more chemo treatments left and I am free! Fight like a girl…

For the LOVE of food :)

Okay. So, since I have been on this new treatment of “Taxol” they have doubled my dose of steroids for the pain Taxol causes me. They have actually lowered my dose of Taxol because how much pain it brought to my last treatment. So, my treatment last week and my next 2 will be a lot easier!! Yay! If you are not aware of what steroids do to the bod please read:
1. Makes you eat everything in sight. Including wanting to literally drink soy sauce and eat a giant bag of Munchies.
2. Makes you want CARBS and SUGAR not carrots and veggies. Mmm cake.
3. Makes your vision even blurrier than what it was before. So, I really can’t see even with my glasses on.
4. Makes your want McDonalds and Chick Fil A. I mean like, eat a giant processed burger than mosey on over to Chick Fil A and continue on an eating binge. Yum! Ooh then guzzle it down with a giant Coke.

With all of this being said I am enjoying myself and never getting full! I am in heavin. The good thing about all of this steroid mess is that I am gaining weight. Which is not an easy subject for me to wrap my head around because I don’t want too pack on the pounds. It is good for me to be gaining weight right now because when my surgery comes I am going to be suckin down smoothies and not moving my arms. I am going to have to be hand fed. haha. Meaning, loosing weight. Ooh the roller coaster of cancer.

Good News! I can no longer feel my tumor! At all! It is going away!! Last time I went to the doctor and got a MRI (in OCT) it was 2.2 x 1.8cm. According to my own at home calculations… it is disappearing!! Thank you Heavenly Father!
I have 2 more rounds of chemo and then I am done! It is so hard to believe because it feels like December is never going to get here. But, I have to remember patience! Ryan’s family and I are going to Mexico to sit in the sun and have no worries at the end of December. In January I am scheduled for my Mastectomy. Then reconstruction soon after that! Once I get the mastectomy my surgeon will see if the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and if it has spread to more than 4 lymph nodes I will have to have radiation. I keep praying that it has not spread and radiation is not needed. Well, that is about it… My family is coming in for Thanksgiving and that is just what I need right now to help heal. I get pretty sad the days after chemo because my body hurts so bad. Some days I wish life was easier and chemo was over. Having my mom, brother, sister and law, and 2 nephews here will definitely lift my spirits! Unfortunately, my sister is not able to get off work so that is a giant bummer. Ryan and Deb need a break from my crying spurts. I know they do not mind me getting upset and crying about all this cancer but they do indeed need a break. I have to admit, The lord sure did put a perfect man on this earth for me. Ryan has been more than incredible through this whole experience. Rene and Deb y'all sure did raise a good man! And Deb I love you, thank you for making every step of this way easy for me. You do not understand how much your kindness means to me :)

Thanks for everyone’s love and support and thinking of me all the time. I am still getting cards in the mail, gifts, emails, and tons of love my way. Thank you so much for the prayers. Heavenly father is taking good care of me. Sometimes I get pretty sad just wishing this would be over and I could have my normal life back but I know that there are great things in store for me in the future and to be patient. I think positive and just remember, I only have cancer. I will be able to hear the words “You are cancer free”. Even with having cancer my life is still wonderful and I am extremely blessed. I have been taken very good care of by the good lord above, my amazing boyfriend, My wonderful TX family, my family in FL, and all my sweet friends. You guys have made this crazy journey for me easy and pretty dang comfortable. Well, my blogging days are about to be up! Just two more treatments and I am done with the blogging world :) That’s all folks… till next time, fight like a girl!

5 down... 3 to go! AHHHH!

(My friend from High School, Amber Haas, drew this for me. She is AWESOME in general and a great artist!)
"The next 4 Treatments of Taxol will be a lot easier than the last treatments" -DR.K
Bologna!!! Heck No it's not! It is hard! I am on day 5 of this treatment and I am still in pain!
Day 1 of chemo and Day 2 after chemo I was so happy because I felt great! I was just a little tired and thinkin' woohoo awesome no worries!
Oooh man, I was way wrong because for the past 2 days I have been in the worst pain I have ever been in, in my 25 years of life.
A few things I have done that have caused similar pain to what I am in now:
I have been hit in the back of the head with many surfboards, fallen off a skimboard and injured my neck (I had to wear a neck brace, it was awesome) thrown off the trampoline into a palm tree and slide all the way down the tree (courtesy of the bro and his wrestling moves), fallen down a floor of stairs while holding a latter (because I am clumsy), AND fallen off a 2nd story balcony (because I am just dumb at times) you name the accident, I have been there. I am prone to getting myself hurt.
I am not being a drama queen or over exaggerating either... but these past few days I have had horrible muscle and joint pain, along with nausea/vomiting, and tingling in my fingers and toesies.
Basically, it feels like I just got hit in the face with a frying pan and beat with a ugly stick from my head to my toes. It is not a happy feeling at all. I guess this is what it feels like when you get beat up or hit by a car. I have been beat up by my sister with her tiny hands, a pillow, and tons of random bedroom obstacles thrown at me but never did she bring me this much pain as Taxol does. I have been hit by a car too. A parked car. I ran my bike and myslef into the car at, like, 35 mph. It hurt pretty bad. So, all that crazy talk about this treatment being easier was a fib! Dr. K really had me thinkin' I was going to be rockin and rollin for the next few months. Psshhh It is hard. Yesterday was the hardest by far. With a 100 temp, body aches, and nausea I was in misery all day. Luckily I had Ryan by my side all day to wake me up to eat and keep fluids in my body.
I just want this to end! December please hurry up and get here!!! I am so emotional right now because 1. I hate this and 2. I am not used to being unealthy and I get so sad that I have these crying spurts. Luckily, Ryan and Deb are the only 2 that have witnessed these crying spurts. Mom has heard them on the phone and just cusses at the cancer, telling the cancer who is boss. Mom knows whats up.
Sorry Deb and Ryan I am having weird crying spurts. But, Thank you for putting up with my crying. I know it may freak you out if I just start balling out of no where. Like if I am in mid bite of a juicy steak or just singing to Taylor Swift in the truck. But thank you for making me feel like it will be okay :) I love you guys.
I am still trying to be happy over here and remember the things I am thankful for. It is Novemember and the time of year we should give thanks. My mom always made us name at every Thanksgiving what we are thankful for. So,for starters- I am thankful I only have cancer. Life could be worse for me and I am blessed to have cancer, which I can overcome.
I am actually going to put up my Christmas Decorations early so it will make me think of DEC coming faster! My family is coming from FL to visit for Thanksgiving! So we are going to have a IsipMurrRadcliffWilson Thanksgiving! Yay!!
So on that note- That is my update and I am at home laying on the couch. I have a appt. today with Dr.Canavan to see how much my tumor has shrank and all that jazz. :)
Till next time...fight like a girl

Pictures Galore!

Susan G Komen Race for the Cure


Okay I know this is a little late but I have been pretty busy with work, school, doing my hair (jk I don’t have any), and doctor apts out the ying yang. Thank You Thank You Thank You to everyone who walked in my honor!! I not only had friends and family walk here in TX but friends in other states walk too! It means so much to me that everyone got up so early and walked. I truly feel so loved by so many and you guys are what help me keep going through this tough battle. It is such a blessing to have so many great people in my life. I was not able to attend the race this year because I was pretty sick. Here are a bunch of pictures from the race that I have been sent via Text and stolen from my friends on facebook! Enjoy :)
Here is a link to all the pics to view as well: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=555485&id=669565576&l=4c1447a482





























I have finished my hard treatment of “The Red Devil”!! WOOHOO!! I am so happy you have no idea!! Heavinly Father has given me the strength to go through the worst part and feel happy again! Thank you for all the prayers everyone :) I feel like this cancer can only get easier from here! In my opinion, the red devil was the hardest part! I am not even worried about the mastectomy because I do not think anything can be worse than your body being poisoned. I start my next treatment ( I have a total of 4) on Thursday Oct 28 on my Nanas Birthday. Taxol is supposed to be a walk in the park compared to The Red Devil! With all this being said, I am trying to talk Ryan into getting me a celebration gift for finishing the Red Devil. (Tory Burch Boots) but it is not working. My subliminal messages I leave around the house are not subliminal enough I guess :)

Ladies!
I wanted to give all you gals out there a reminder to make sure you are getting mammograms and doing self exams! Please know the importance of checking your Ta-Ta’s!! Make sure you are doing it once a month. It only takes 25 seconds to do a self check. I know it is boring so I have created a resourceful convenient list of fun places to do a self check at!

1. Since we all spend a lot of time in the car… why not in the car on your way to work? I mean you’re already jamming out to your favorite soundtrack, getting your coffee buzz by your morning java, so jam out and do a little check real quick! Of course safety first… so make sure you are parked! I promise, no one will think this is weird.
2. While you are having your portrait painted. This is the prime moment for a self check.
3. While you are planting a tree. You are killing two birds with one stone ladies! Helping the earth and helping you!
4. While you are getting to know your new neighbors. They will love you once you do your self check in their presence! Don’t bring them food, the self check is a great way to say “Welcome to the Neighborhood!”
5. While your asking for a raise at work. You will definitely get the raise!! This is a perfect idea, why hasn’t anyone ever thought of this?
6. While you are riding the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia. Because I know everyone will be riding this soon.
7. While you are swimming with dolphins. Try not to drown.
Have a great day everyone and thank you for reading my blog…fight like a girl!

Bald is the new Black!

I had chemo yesterday and had to go in this morning for a bone marrow shot and a IV for fluids and for nausea. I also go in the next 3 days for fluids and nausea IV's. This keeps me on top of my sickness... so right now I am happy :)
Since I was starting to look like an alien I decided to shave my head completely!
So I am bald! It was not sad or depressing to me. I was kinda like "whoa this is nuts". It's not everyday your going to shave your head! Pretty wild feeling. I was just standing there with my mouth wide open shaving my head. A chick, shaving her head. I can not really tell were my forhead ends, haha. It all blends in. Definitely not feelin' much like me but it is way more convenient than all those crazy little hairs pokin out all over the place. It is crazy how one day I have the thickest hair and the next I am sportin' a bald new doo. Hope ya like it because it is here to stay for the next few months! :)

I also got a European real hair wig! It is beautiful, comfortable, and blond! I have tried to be blond on several occasions in my life but it really never turned out right. One time I turned my hair yellow and thought I was hott stuff! Another time I was Orange and thought "Ooh baby I look good"! But the whole time I looked like a mess. Thank you Katy and Crystal for letting me leave my house with such dreadful hair :) But this new European blond wig is awesome! I feel great when I wear it and am so happy Deb did her research and got it :)It is such a pretty color blond and is so comfy! I can cut it, color it, and style it anyway I want! So if you are going through hair loss or chemotherapy, or just want to change up your hair flair... I would suggest a European Real Hair Wig. They are bad to the bone!



I had my last Red Devil treatment yesterday!!! Woo HOO!!!! THANK YOU!!! No more of the worse possible shit you could ever imagine harming and bringing pain and everything else bad in my body!! Sorry I am not a potty mouth, but there is not other word in the English dictionary to describe that horrible treatment. I have 4 more treatments of a lighter dose called Taxol left and then off to get giant boobs AKA mastectomy, maybe radiation and I am DONE! I am making it sound like it is like 2 months away, but I have a about a good year left. I am just so excited for when I am sitting in the doctors office and hear my Doctor say "You are cancer free". I am trying to think of what to say when he gives me the good news. Maybe I will say "Awesome!!" and do some sort of shimmy with my chest with a huge smile or "Heck yeah and jump with tons of glee and joy!" OR "SHUT THE FRONT DOOR" in a more serious tone or just cry and say thank you. Probably the last one. I am a cryer these days so probably cry my butt off with happy tears!!!
I wanted to thank everyone again for having me in your prayers! Heavinly father has been so good to me allowing me to have strength and for my body to kick this cancers butt. So thank you thank you thank you for having me in your thoughts and prayers :)
I am off to get better from chemo yesterday and... fight like a girl!